Irresistible dating prospects from THE GOTHIC PERSONALS!

As collective internet addiction pulls society ever further away from tangible human contact, online dating sites - and online dating sites that pretend they aren't online dating sites to make you feel like less of a loser (read: myspace) - are soaring in popularity. And although most lonely folks are content to search through the normal personals sites, you may not realize that there are people out there with special needs, who are looking for dates within their own unique world. So inevitably, you can now find specialized personals sites for old people, fat chicks ("abundant love" - best name ever), double-jointed fat chicks (i shit you not), retards (go there for a laugh, and condemn yourself to hell as i have), Bible thumpers, female prison inmates (i own a couple videos on this subject), hicks, recovering alcoholics, truckers ("papa bear seeking cub in stall 5"), people with painful sores on their genitals (*giggle*), music snobs (as if friendster wasn't bad enough), computer geeks (priceless), people who think they're soooooo fucking smart, tall people, stupid rich motherfuckers (aren't you so special), and even philanderers. Now, I would think that some of these sites are targeting such a specific market that the dating pool must end up like an episode of Friends - the same six people hooking up in different combinations.



But the point is, none of these sites could possibly compare to the wealth of entertainment I had the incredible fortune of stumbling upon yesterday: A massive database of hilarious walking cliches, THE GOTHIC PERSONALS. Folks, this is almost too easy. This material writes itself. However, I am going to take candy from the baby and highlight some of the amazing people you could be lucky enough to meet on this extraordinary site...



First, though, an introduction: The Gothic Personals operate more or less like MySpace and Friendster - you have a little profile, you browse other peoples' profiles, you send each other messages, you meet up in a graveyard, etc etc. But if you're on The Gothic Personals you're not an average Joe. You're a special person with special needs, so your profile has some very unique options. There are specific fields to let people know how many tattoos you have, how many piercings you have (and where), your style of dress (there are options for black, light black, and dark black), what particular fetishes you might have (i was surprised to see "biting" appear quite often), if you're transgendered or not (a good thing to know before a date!), and most importantly, what type of goth you are.



"Now wait a minute," you're saying, "there are different types of goths? I thought they were all equally retarded!" Well how wrong you are, my friend! According to The Gothic Personals, there are TWELVE different types of goths: GlamGoth (black sparkles?), GlitterGoth (read: tori amos fan), PunkGoth (mix genres to maximize your clothing selection at hot topic), BabyGoth (i don't want to know), CorporateGoth (have to wear long sleeves to cover their scratch marks at the office), ElderGoth (remembers seeing joy division live, hasn't changed outfits since), MopeyGoth (isn't that all of them?), RomantiGoth (the most prolific of goth poets), Mansonite (still grasping on), VampyreGoth (so goth, they spell it with a "y"), and, my favorite, GangstaGoth.



And much like on MySpace, your profile can have its own brief headline to tell your would-be suitors a little bit about you. All you have to do is browse through the profile headlines on this site to get a taste of what you're in for. Here's a sampling of ACTUAL headlines from real profiles on The Gothic Personals. No, I did NOT make these up:



"Vampire tired of stalking the night myself."

"Of Dark Things and Midnight Places..."

"i wanna give abortions..."

"Razorblade smiles and bloody kisses."

"Dance with the Dead in my dreams."

"Bleeding, Intombed...Painted Like The Forgotten Sea's..." (nice spelling, jackass)

"Now the darkness gathers... now the light is gone.."

"If it but herald death, the vision is divine."

"Melt the ice and start the black fires."

And, by far my favorite:

"i've got a date at midnight...with nosferatu!"


Ooooooh! Spoooooky!!



So without further ado, let's meet some of the fantastic folks you could be lucky enough to date on The Gothic Personals!



First up: Sub Zero
Goth Type: RomantiGoth




Take a look at those (apparently) home made spikey purple armbands! He's all set for his D&D match tonight! What I appreciate about Sub Zero is his knack for color coordination. The hair, the armbands, AND the spooky pagan wall hangings all match! No need to call the Fab Five in on this boy. But aside from being devilishly handsome and a maven of style, Sub Zero will also lure you in with some beautiful poetry. He writes:

"The Dark times here and alone, Not sure where to roam, needed one to call my own, one that silence the lonleyness and stoke the fires of passion, Looking for one that sees the night, With eyes of pure delight, One that sees the same as me, as graves and tombs as a place to be free, Leather and lace, the pure embrace, the vangs of a dark soul as lonley as me, one that can simply be unique as thee, if you feel that you are the one, IM me and let the fun run, come to me and I will awaken, Kindred nights and days complete and done, walk with me and you will see, the darkness comes to all and to all to enjoy with thee."



You see, people? This shit writes itself.



Mingster
Goth Type: ElderGoth

Yes, that's a man. Mingster is, tragically, the father of two children, and some of his favorite bands include Clan of Xymox and Feindflug. He lists his religion as "the religion of celibacy," which is a pro-active way of saying "no one wants to have sex with me, ever." Gee Mingster, maybe girls would like you a bit more if you weren't actually...

...CHER!! Yes, Cher, I've found you out. I know things have been hard since Sonny died, but do you really need to disguise yourself and shop for women on The Gothic Personals? Then again, I guess it's not surprising considering Cher's history in the world of Dungeons & Dragons (CLICK THIS LINK!).

Anyway, let's meet...


Lordeberon
Goth Type: VampyreGoth

Ladies and gentlemen, the crowned prince of douchebags! Lordeberon is, as you can see, actually a demonic spirit from the pits of Hell, and only through the anonymity of online personals could he possibly reveal his true form! He describes himself thusly: "I am a lost and lonley soul, doomed to wander this life in agony. I have searched in vain through the valley of eternal night for others like me. The razor can only cut so deep....." The cliche-o-meter is off the scale here, people. Again I remind you, I am not making any of this up. I know, I wouldn't believe me either, but seriously.

Kill
Goth Type: "Other" (cop out!)




Kill fancies himself a blacksmith some day (much as the blacksmiths from days of olde forged the shimmering daggers which struck the blackened hearts of vampyres!), and you can see his exquisite craftsmanship in the picture above. Kill has made himself a really tough-looking crossbow using junk parts from his Dad's tool shed. Notice the price sticker on the shaft that he's tried unsuccessfully to scrape off. Pretty scary weapon, Kill! But is it tough enough to break through Sub Zero's impenetrable spikey purple armor? I guess we'll have to wait until the renaissance fair to find out. Kill has a good "Trenchcoat Mafia" look to him. I can totally see him busting into a classroom at his high school and hacking up his teacher with a battle axe forged out of a garden hoe.


Angelfalleth
Goth Type: VampyreGoth




Nice picture, dumbass. What is she, crawling around the forest in search of newt's eye for her magic spells? It looks like she's waiting for her cat to eat out her ass. Angelfalleth is "searching for a great horned beast or dark princess to share my nights with." She's also "well skilled in all aspects of witchcraft and other magicks" (ooooooh!), and is an ex stripper. Oh, and she usually carries "brass knuckles in my bra and a dagger in my boot." You know, in case she gets attacked by a pack of werewolves in the food court on the way to Hot Topic. Her fetishes are listed as: "likes to play bondage fairies." Apparently she forgot to mention "feline analingus."


DrDeath
Goth Type: (he left it blank, because he's far too much of an individual to be broken down into cheap classifications)




It really doesn't get any better than this dude. That is a fucking work of art, right there. Ladies, how could you resist a face like that? DrDeath describes himself as "...nothing more than flesh, just like you. I have hopes always ending in nothing, just like you too. My feelings are possibly nothing to you. Your feelings are possibly nothing to me too, all depends on who." Whoooaaah, slow down there Dr. Seuss. I'll bet his hopes of getting laid always end in nothing, too.


Kymus
Goth Type: CorporateGoth

Now, Kymus may look like your run-of-the-mill Marilyn Manson concert patron, but there's more to this catch than meets the eye...

...He also knows KUNG-FU!!



This is Kymus in the "Green Dragon Pose" from his website, which I encourage you to visit for more great photos of his lethal ninja action, and also photos of his mom's flower garden.


Wolfmaster55
Goth Type: "Other" (there wasn't an option for "33YearOldVirginGoth")




Ladies and Gentlemen... THE GOTHMULLET. Now I know Wolfie here isn't exactly Brad Pitt, but could he perhaps, at the very least, maybe find a photo with his fucking EYES open?? Wolfie, you're trying to sell yourself to the voluptuous black-clad vixens of the world here, and you're really starting off on a low note. And what's with the puffy face? He looks like a wax sculpture at one of those third-rate wax museums you find in towns like Orlando, where people will start up anything to piggyback off major tourist attractions like DisneyWorld. You know, right next door to the "Fun Town Amusement Park," with its weathered miniature golf course, and one dismal white trash family from nothern Florida trying their best to have fun on their vacation because they can't afford DisneyWorld tickets.


Or maybe this picture was taken while he was in the midst of jacking off to Suicide Girls for the fourth time today.


Anyway, the Wolfmaster gets right to the point, describing himself as an adult male who has "never been kissed". He continues, "Big stinking deal, OK, was raised on traditional values!!" Wow. Bitter, party of one? He also describes himself as "a frequent 'Astral Traveler.'" Well, I hope he "travels" to the barber shop sometime soon to get that dead muskrat removed from his head. You know, all this guy is missing is a pepperoni spattering of acne to really round out his raw sex appeal.


Also, someone please call up Kittie and tell them we've found the one person who still buys their albums. They've been wondering who it was.


Forest-Troll
Goth Type: VampyreGoth


I fucking love this picture. Gaze upon Forest-Troll's divine wickedness as he beckons you into his mansion of the undead! I'm going to step out on a limb here and guess that his look was just a tad inspired by Trent Reznor, circa 1997:


Hey girls, put on your best fishnets, because Forest-Troll "will be visiting northern New Jersey and was wondering if some kind ladies might be able to show me around to some night clubs or take me for a moonlight stroll through a graveyard or two?" Oh for fuck's sake...

Some of Forest-Troll's favorite bands include Demise, Acid Bath, Cephalic Carnage, Cannibal Corpse, Dying Fetus, Goatwh*re, Vital Remains, Devourment, Eyehategod, Waco Jesus, and Crematorium. Okay, now, I like to think of myself as open-minded when it comes to music, but the truth is I'm not. At all. If you listen to bands called "Dying Fetus" and "Goatwh*re," you are a complete fucking tool.


Petitelolita
Goth Type: "Other"


Hey, she's kind of cute... Oh. Wait. It's a DUDE.

If Petitelolita's gender confusion doesn't entice you, perhaps he can lure you in with his vibrant personality. This is an exact quote: "im avid collector of stuff!" Really? Stuff? That's interesting, because I collect DOUCHEBAGS, and rarely have I seen a finer specimen.

Takeitall000
Goth Type: "Other" (damnit, people! classify yourselves!)


What I like about Takeitall is his brutal honesty. Instead of attempting creepy, mysterious gothic prose like everyone else, his headline cuts right to the chase: "Pathetic computer geek seeking love tool." It really says that. The picture is apparently of his band, "Anomaly," whose musical prowess is rivaled only by their cutting edge graphic design skills.


Skarygrl (incredibly accurate nickname)
Goth Type: PerkyGoth


Skarygrl's headline is: "Come into my world... bring your goggles." Um... my goggles? Do you mean my beer goggles, fatty? Because I'm gonna need 'em.

When she's not getting make up tips from the guy who runs the face painting booth at the county fair, Skarygrl enjoys listening to Tori Amos (surprise!) and practicing S&M. Her profile begins with an A, B, C list of guidelines you must follow if you are going to contact her. It reads like a diary of every bad relationship she's been in - "no cheaters, no liars, no shallow conceited bastards," etc. I guess her double chin isn't the only baggage she's carrying. She closes the list by writing, "That's me in a nutshell. I know I probably sound like Hitler with a vagina right now, but I'm actually very affectionate and caring, and I'd give you the shirt off my back if it would help." Shhhh... You had me at "Hitler with a vagina." ...And please, keep your shirt ON.


Panthedragon
Goth Type: (he left it blank, because he's not a goth, he's a mystical creature. duh!)

What's nice about The Gothic Personals is that you aren't limited only to humans in your dating selections. As you can see, the troll and demon population really has a commanding presence here, and I for one am glad that these long-alienated minorities are finally gaining the opportunity for widespread acceptance. When Pan isn't busy waiting for children to get lost in the forest so he can eat them, he's also a visionary artist: "My art is of nudes in spaces of structural decay." Really? Because no one has ever done that before. Pan also organizes and hosts BDSM "dungeon parties," and for a good laugh I highly recommend checking out the list of rules for attending these unique events. You know it's a party when you have to sign a form promising you won't pee on anyone while playing in the dungeon.

Lightwave
Goth Type: "Other"





OH MY GOD!! Behold, ye mortals! He has captured the magickal life energy of the Spirits Of Darkness in a glowing Orb of Power, and he's absorbing it into his stomach! Ooooooaaaaah!!


Fallenpoet
Goth Type: CorporateGoth

I love this guy because he's so adorably out of place. How on earth could Dilbert here expect to ever compete on any level with all of his leather-clad, horn-bearing, sword-wielding peers in the race for the heart of a gothic princess? He's really just lacking an "edge" of some sort; I'm not sure if it's the Gap sweater or the Old Navy khakis or the goofy grin, but something's definitely holding him back. He kind of looks like one of the people in those ads for community college where they have pictures of smiling, successful, multi-ethnic nerds standing together, representing the college's "success stories." They're always folding their arms like that, all smug and confident with their community college degrees, eagerly awaiting their lifetime careers as management assistants at some nondescript office building in suburbia. 45 years old and racking up $30K. Driving a Kia. Actually, I can see this dude working at Kinko's. He's a "photoduplication technician," or something. Which means he makes copies. Like how the people who make your food at Subway are called "sandwich artists," to make them feel a tiny bit better about themselves as they methodically squirt mayonnaise all over a pile of cold cuts three hundred times a day. And it's odd that I mention Subway, because Fallenpoet here looks a tad bit like Jared. Post-Subway Jared, that is.

Rednarcissus
Goth Type: RomantiGoth


No, your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed a man. Rednarcissus apparently had a provocative photo shoot in the changing room shower at the YMCA. The raw sexual energy is overpowering. Nice fucking tutu. Better yet, though, here he is as Maid Marion, the lady fair:



That is a piss-poor attempt at looking like a woman, dude. It looks like a bad fraternity stunt.

"Oh, who will save such a fair lady from the evil forest troll? Will not any brave warrior step forward and do battle with this vile beast, and win ye the heart of a gentle maiden?"


Fear not, Maid Marion!...


...It's Demonknight to the rescue!
Goth Type: "Other"



"Stand down, beasts of the forest, for I am Demonknight, valiant guardian of the soda bottles in my mom's kitchen! May fear strike your black hearts as you gaze upon my butterfly calendar!"


Between this dumbass, the trolls, kung fu boy, the guy with the spear, and the dude with the glowing orb, I've practically got a whole deck of Magic cards put together at this point.


I could probably keep going forever, but I'll bring my article to a close with one last profile, the only "GangstaGoth" I encountered during my time on The Gothic Personals...


Cancer
Goth Type: GangstaGoth


This one is the fucking best. His headline is "Is There Something Wrong With Me?" Well, yes. For one thing, you're a fucking chode. For another thing, when in the Christ did goths and gangstas get together? Did I miss the memo about that? Look at how fucking straight hip-hop he is, flashin' his Benjamins. And yet goth, at the same time.

The mind reels...