An Open Letter To The Guy I Saw Walking Out Of Albertson's At Approximately 11:45 Last Night:
Dear Guy I Saw Walking Out Of Albertson's At Approximately 11:45 Last Night,
You, sir, are a douche.
Look how fucking proud of yourself you are, with your tucked in shirt, and your shiny brown homo shoes, and your side-parted hair. Look at the big smile on your face. Look how good you feel about that utterly generic six dollar bouquet of store-bought red roses you're holding, that you just purchased 15 minutes before Valentine's Day, at Albertson's. Yeah, wear that smug smile with pride, bucko. You're a fucking winner.
What a great boyfriend you are. Congratulations, you fucking dicksponge, you put the same amount of effort into showing your love for someone as you do when you buy a fucking bottle of laundry detergent. What a lucky girl she is, to have someone like you. Although to be fair, she must be a fucking shitbag too. How tragically insecure do you have to be to accept such a meaningless gesture as a token of affection? How utterly fucking desperate are you to cling on to anything that you can dress up to look even remotely like love? How pathetic do you have to be to even allow your significant other to even consider for a moment that it might be even remotely acceptable to show up with a cheap fucking last-minute cliche and look you in the eyes and tell you it means something?
If you need a fucking greeting card company to tell you when to have a special day with the person you care about, and when that "specialness" is reduced to cheap mass-produced bullshit, and if that actually makes you feel good on any level whatsoever, you might as well wrap your head in the plastic Rite-Aid bag your heartfelt gift arrived in and fucking end it all.
You might as well buy your girlfriend a toilet plunger for Valentine's Day. It's the same amount of thought and effort involved, it's just a different aisle at the supermarket. Actually, there might even be more thought in a toilet plunger, because at least every other fucking turd doesn't get his girlfriend one at the last minute and think it makes him a good boyfriend. At least she might actually get some use out of a toilet plunger, after she gets dysentery and spends all night pissing rusty water from the cheap fucking heart-shaped box of shit chocolates you gave her.
The point I'm making, Guy Who I Saw Walking Out Of Albertson's At Approximately 11:45 Last Night, is that Valentine's Day is bullshit and you're a fucking turd for thinking that following some cliched societal obligation qualifies as caring. And no, I'm not bitter because I'm lonely on Valentine's Day, like most people. I do have someone to spend it with, and you know what we're going to do? We're going to go to the diner and make fun of people like you, like we always do, and then we're going to sit on my couch like we do every monday and watch "24" and drink cheap wine. And you know what? It's going to be pretty fucking rad. And you and your miserable, insecure girlfriend can have a fantastically hollow evening together at some douchey restaurant while you attempt to force romance and feign contentness and hope that the ten dollar stuffed bear you bought her is enough to convince her you aren't banging your secretary. And you can rest assured that if I ever get a girl flowers, it won't be on Valentine's Day. And they won't be from fucking Albertson's.
Sincerely,
Rob
You, sir, are a douche.
Look how fucking proud of yourself you are, with your tucked in shirt, and your shiny brown homo shoes, and your side-parted hair. Look at the big smile on your face. Look how good you feel about that utterly generic six dollar bouquet of store-bought red roses you're holding, that you just purchased 15 minutes before Valentine's Day, at Albertson's. Yeah, wear that smug smile with pride, bucko. You're a fucking winner.
What a great boyfriend you are. Congratulations, you fucking dicksponge, you put the same amount of effort into showing your love for someone as you do when you buy a fucking bottle of laundry detergent. What a lucky girl she is, to have someone like you. Although to be fair, she must be a fucking shitbag too. How tragically insecure do you have to be to accept such a meaningless gesture as a token of affection? How utterly fucking desperate are you to cling on to anything that you can dress up to look even remotely like love? How pathetic do you have to be to even allow your significant other to even consider for a moment that it might be even remotely acceptable to show up with a cheap fucking last-minute cliche and look you in the eyes and tell you it means something?
If you need a fucking greeting card company to tell you when to have a special day with the person you care about, and when that "specialness" is reduced to cheap mass-produced bullshit, and if that actually makes you feel good on any level whatsoever, you might as well wrap your head in the plastic Rite-Aid bag your heartfelt gift arrived in and fucking end it all.
You might as well buy your girlfriend a toilet plunger for Valentine's Day. It's the same amount of thought and effort involved, it's just a different aisle at the supermarket. Actually, there might even be more thought in a toilet plunger, because at least every other fucking turd doesn't get his girlfriend one at the last minute and think it makes him a good boyfriend. At least she might actually get some use out of a toilet plunger, after she gets dysentery and spends all night pissing rusty water from the cheap fucking heart-shaped box of shit chocolates you gave her.
The point I'm making, Guy Who I Saw Walking Out Of Albertson's At Approximately 11:45 Last Night, is that Valentine's Day is bullshit and you're a fucking turd for thinking that following some cliched societal obligation qualifies as caring. And no, I'm not bitter because I'm lonely on Valentine's Day, like most people. I do have someone to spend it with, and you know what we're going to do? We're going to go to the diner and make fun of people like you, like we always do, and then we're going to sit on my couch like we do every monday and watch "24" and drink cheap wine. And you know what? It's going to be pretty fucking rad. And you and your miserable, insecure girlfriend can have a fantastically hollow evening together at some douchey restaurant while you attempt to force romance and feign contentness and hope that the ten dollar stuffed bear you bought her is enough to convince her you aren't banging your secretary. And you can rest assured that if I ever get a girl flowers, it won't be on Valentine's Day. And they won't be from fucking Albertson's.
Sincerely,
Rob
posted by Rob at 5:40 PM. [ permanent link ]
12 Comments:
Haha, awesome.
Why do people wait for a public occasion to do something for someone they care about?
It's a fucking hack.
We have similar setiments (http://www.robirwin.com/2005/02/valentines-day.html), but you said it soooooo much better :)
I used to live in Japan and I knew someone like you. He was a young English teacher from Britain and he had a website and he said all sorts of clever things and made all sorts of clever comments and had all sorts of pictures showing how much fun he was and how many friends he had. But you know what? He had his head up his own ass. I was being entertained by your website and I am jealous of your Ms. Pacman table, but I was beginning to wonder if you are someone like this guy that I knew. Then this post basically answered my question. I also disapprove of the pressure to participate in over-commercialized holidays exactly as the commercials prescribe; however I would never write the trash that you just wrote. You don’t know anything about that guy. You have no idea what is going on in his life or how he got there. You don’t know him. And I'm not saying that either you or the guy that I knew are/were worthless people, but you need to get your head out of your own ass and realize that you are neither the best most clear thinking person in this world nor do you have the right to ridicule other people for not sharing your precise perspective on life. Do it now before it is too late. The guy I knew died before the age of 26 as he was out having fun in Kyoto with his friends. He drowned. He drowned without ever getting old enough to realize that he had his head up his ass. But maybe he never would have realized it. Maybe you won’t. But at least I’ve done my bit of charity for the day.
"He drowned without ever getting old enough to realize that he had his head up his ass."
saw your january comment on our band. dont know who sent out that blurb on our behalf to rally around a song we have about a protest. anyway, the story behind it is not anti bush. its about all of the fucking protests there are.they are like weekend picnics now. bush's name wasnt mentioned once in the song. maybe the guy who wrote the blog sees it fitting for bush because the guy cant ties his own sneakers these days but hey we cant control everything thats on the internet. i cant fault you for cutting on the band without having all the facts straight. hate the band if ya want but at least hate it for the right reasons. cause you dont like the tunes. we dont wanna waste time starting a revolution. we write what we see and play what we like.its all been done before anyway.even you cutting on people is nothing in the undergound press either.if its done well though its entertaining so best of luck in the future. at least you're out there doing it and not talking about it like so many bullshit artists who contribute nothing, not even an opinion even if it is a harsh one. rnc
There needs to be an army of men like you in the world.
That is all.
whooaaaa.
I don't know why you have to make a big deal out of it. Sure these people who buy each cheap flowers on Valentine's Day may not be the most thoughtful people in the world, but they don't claim to be. They're doing what they're comfortable with to be happy. Maybe flowers and chocolates are simple mindless rubbish to you, but if it makes him happy to buy them for his gf and his gf happy to receive them, what is there to bitch about?
I appreciate your posts about Bush being voted for presidency for the second time, your thoughts on poor parenting, and a host of other issues, but this entry I found bitter and petty.
Little enough happiness in the world, if these cheap flowers can bring a couple of smiles from a girl, then hey, kudos to the guy.
BUT THEN AGAIN if this rant and your annual mockage makes you feel better, I guess that's a good thing too. So go you too.
dude i think that guy was my man...i recall him bringing me roses last valentines day and then we drank pink champagne and fed eachother russel stover chocolates while cuddling with our new plush puppies and then fucked cans together on a revolving heartshaped bed...
Holy fucking shit, batman!
RE: comments:-
INTERNET.
SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Man! That was great!
Anonymous does not forgive.
Anonymous does not forget.
NEVAR FORGET.
Wow!.. Ya I would have slipped an opened condom in those flowers just to help the poor girl think...
Of course my idea of a good time is 5 star take out chicken pot pies with a colorful salad and unlimited Absinthe.
Oh and silver hot pants on my man and the pix to prove it. ;-)
What does a Sonic Telecom Valentine look like?
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