Demonbaby's Election-Day Hideous Patriotic T-Shirt Extravaganza!

[Currently Listening To: The Clientele - Strange Geometry]



Today is mid-term election day across the United States - a day where barely a quarter of all Americans exercise their most treasured right: Democracy. Well, sort of. Faulty voting machines, rampant propaganda, and rigged elections aside, the American freedom to choose our leaders at the very least sounds great on paper.

Democracy is also a key ingredient in that unique American arrogance that makes us so well-loved around the world. Americans love to tout their country as the best on earth - the ol' "USA is number one!" mantra has been a patriotic favorite for decades. The problem, though, is that the post-WW2 American glory has long since faded, and we're not number one anymore. At least not in anything positive. I mentioned this on the ol' MiniBlog a couple weeks ago, but it's worth re-itterating here: Despite Americans' firm believe that they're the best at everything, the facts tell a very different story. Let's see how the United States stacks up against the rest of the world in a variety of categories:

Literacy: #62, tied with superpowers Azerbaijan and Kyrgyzstan. [source]

Belief In evolution: #33 out of 34 surveyed countries. OUCH! [source]

Unemployment: #45, lagging behind Madagascar. [source]

Reading, science, and math abilities of high school students: #24 out of 29 surveyed countries. [source]

Press freedom: #53 and falling. [source]

Infant mortality rate: 2nd worst in the world! [source]

If that's all a little bit defeating, fear not - there are still some categories we rank number one in: Obesity, national debt, waste production, and oil consumption, to name a few. So I suppose it's still okay to wear that "USA is #1" t-shirt - just be sure you know what it means. And I say all of this not because I hate my country, but because I love my country - the red state myth that criticizing America makes you unpatriotic is about as ass-backwards as anti-gay Evangelical leaders who like their crystal meth with a side of bung.

There's nothing wrong with a little patriotism, but blind patriotism is a scary and dangerous thing. There's far too much of it in this country, and for some reason, blind patriotism seems to be strongly united with bad white trash fashion. For Halloween I was going to get a fat suit and dress up as a typical apathetic overindulgent American: grease-stained American flag t-shirt, sports-related hat, sweat pants, McDonald's food, and one of those obscene new 7-11 X-treme Big Gulps (52 ounces?? are you fucking kidding me??). I ended up not having enough time to get the costume together, but while I was trying I happened upon a wonderful discovery. Come with me now, as we explore Amazon.com's overwhelming selection of terrible patriotic t-shirts. What you are about to see are all actual t-shirts found in the inventory of the world's largest online retailer. I'm not going to link to each individual product because that would be a pain in the ass, but if for some reason you would actually want to purchase one of these horrendous things, you can find them all via the link above. Now, let's begin...

The most common patriotic shirts you'll find are of the foolproof eagle-flag combo variety. At the end of the day, you really can't go wrong with a majestic bald eagle soaring over the stars and stripes when you want to say "I love America!" in the most gaudy way possible. And don't worry, you have a lot of options:




But here's something interesting about the American Bald Eagle: He gets really pissed off sometimes. Like when terrorists threaten America's freedom, or abortion doctors kill babies, or when, God forbid, fags are allowed to get married! The American Bald Eagle really hates that, and it makes him turn into the Angry American Bald Eagle:



Here's one I find peculiar:



It appears to be a massive bald eagle watching over the World Trade Center. Which begs the question... Where the hell was that giant fucking bird on September 11th? I'm thinking he would have come in handy.

But if a giant bald eagle isn't quite enough to say "Proud To Be An American," how about a shirt that actually says, "Proud To Be An American"?



Ah, there we go! But what if this is a t-shirt for your baby, and it marks their all-important first "Proud To Be An American" t-shirt of what will assuredly be many, many "Proud To Be An American" t-shirts throughout their life? Well then you need the "My First Proud To Be An American T-Shirt" t-shirt:



But then, maybe your American pride has something else mixed in with it... maybe a... Southern stride? Fear not, there's a shirt for you:



Nothing says "I'm a hick" quite like the ol' confederate flag. It's nice to accompany your patriotism with a not-so-subtle reminder that our great nation was founded on the blood of slaves.

Another way to say "I'm a hick" is with aggressive, testosterone-fueld, pro-America slogans on your t-shirt:



Or, even better, by celebrating the impeccable lack of foresight on the part of our founding fathers when they wrote the second amendment:



Here are some especially painful selections for the patriotic frat boy:



And here are some choices for those days when you want to cleverly remind the world that you love the American flag without actually displaying an American flag:



There's even an "ironic" American flag t-shirt - hipsters take note:



Now, you'd think the bald eagle would pretty much have the patriotic animal market all to himself, but apparently there are a lot of other animals who love their country. It would seem, for example, that adorable little kittens are as American as apple pie:





There is also a strange series of large, angry animals tearing through t-shirts with the American flag flowing behind them. Here are the Monster Gator and Monster Boar:



And here, amazingly... is the MONSTER COCK:



...Not to be confused with monsters OF cock, which admittedly has about as much to do with America as an angry giant rooster.

Ultimately, though, this may be the most appropriate patriotic animal t-shirt:



Last but not least we celebrate the increasingly less-separated church and state with some Christian patriotic t-shirts:



Ah, Jesus and the founding fathers - two great tastes that taste great together! Look at the flag in this one - scary:



Look, here's the twin towers with their useless giant eagle guardian again:



"In God We Trust - September Eleventh, Two Thousand One." You know, I would have to say that God really didn't have our back on that particular day. Why do religious people love to thank God when something good happens, but never blame him when something bad happens?

Here's a good one - "Support Our Troops WITH PRAYER":



Uhhh... I hate to break it to you, but that strategy isn't working too well. Maybe try supporting them with body armor. Or, for that matter, competent leadership.


After seeing how popular these God-awful patriotic t-shirts are, I decided I was going to try my hand at making some patriotic t-shirts of my own. But how could I improve upon such a fine-tuned genre? What could I possibly bring to such a very large table? Well, there's always room for Americans to be more ignorant and offensive, right? Of course there is!

My new line of X-TREME PATRIOTISM T-SHIRTS gets to the core of what the red-state dimwits who wear all this tacky shit are really thinking. Why say something vague like "These Colors Don't Run" when you could say this:



See? Right to the point! And do you know why Americans have such poor reading skills? Because why would we need to read books when we have TELEVISIONS, stupid!!



And why simply imply that God wanted us to invade Iraq, when you could show Jesus himself right on the front lines, ridding the world of evil-doers?



Now that is how you make a motherfucking patriotic shirt, motherfucker! Go America!

I also figured, while I was at it, I'd make some patriotic t-shirts that were a bit more honest in their assessment of American glory - and so I present the Realistic Patriotism t-shirt line:





And yes, thanks to the magic of CafePress, you can actually purchase these shirts! Get them while you still can, before CafePress inevitably removes them for being blatantly offensive. Click the images below to view the various colors and styles available for men and women. All proceeds go to the More Video Games For Rob fund, a non-profit organization devoted to helping me never get anything productive accomplished.






P.S. - Before you send me hate mail, please spend some time studying the definition of the word satire.