Don't Get Too Excited, Part One: We're Still Careening Head-First Towards The End Of Civilization As We Know It

[Currently Listening To: Mojave 3: Puzzles Like You]



Right at this moment, liberals - and anyone with any degree of common sense - are feeling pretty damned good about the big political smack-down that just occurred in the States. We got a one, two, three punch: On tuesday Democrats won the majority in the House Of Representatives. Yesterday, in a stunning show of defeat (and a smart pre-emptive move), President Bush finally dismissed his beleaguered butt-buddy Donald Rumsfeld. And today, it's official: Democrats have control of the Senate, as well, which means a potentially significant roadblock for the Bush agenda during his final two years. And, well, yeah, it does feel pretty good. It's exciting to see smart, cultured, reasonable people celebrating for once. For some reason I think about that scene at the end of Star Wars right after the Death Star explodes, and everyone is cheering as a giddy Luke Skywalker jumps out of his X-Wing cockpit and excitedly embraces Princess Leia, and he totally wants to make out with her because he doesn't know she's his sister yet. That's how it feels right now: Like the Rebellion has struck a mighty blow to the Evil Empire. Sure, the Empire's far from defeated, and yeah, the Republicans will build another Death Star, but damnit, it's a good first step.

But wait. Don't get too excited. Remember what happened after that Star Wars celebration? That's right: The Empire struck back. Shit got heavy. We're a long ways away from that stupid Ewok victory song at the end of Return Of The Jedi.

While the Congressional victories seem promising, let's also remember that at this point, Bush was all but campaigning for the Democrats with the way Iraq's been going. At a certain point even the dumbest of red state war-mongers have to realize Dubya's blown it on an epic scale, and even a handful of them translating that realization into a vote for the other side is enough to ever-so-slightly tip the scales of a sharply divided nation. But while the Democrats are having their big victory party - I'm picturing Barack Obama and Sean Penn doing tequila shots at Al Gore's house while Hilary Clinton and Cindy Sheehan get high and end up making out in a back room and things are super weird the next morning - there's still plenty to be concerned about. This election still brought its usual round of losses for common sense that shouldn't be ignored.

Here in California, we were once again given the option of not having The Terminator as our Governor, and we once again responded with a resounding "duurrrrr, I like him, I done seen him on da tee-vee!" Granted, Ah-nold hasn't turned out to be quite as bad as a Bush-friendly Republican movie star former steroid user with a speech impediment could have been, but come on, we're still talking about the most populated state in the country being run by this guy:



There are these idiotic shirts they sell all over California - they even sell them at the airport, so that visitors to the state will immediately get a great first impression of what we're all about. They look like this:



For real. They're everywhere. People love that shit. And the best part is that the shirts are so fucking dumb they've managed to mis-spell an invented word. THERE IS AN R IN "GOVERN," FUCKWITS!

Californians also rejected proposition 87, a seemingly no-brainer initiative that would raise taxes on oil companies, and use the money to research alternative fuels. Now, I'm not going to bore you with the pros and cons of this initiative, but here's what it came down to: On one side, you have people like Bill Clinton and Al Gore and a number of other big names with environmental interests fighting to tax oil companies for funding alternative fuel research. On the other hand, you have the oil companies, scum of the earth that they are, who stand to lose four billion dollars if the proposition passes, and don't want alternative fuels to be developed anyway because it threatens their massive empire. So what do they do? They spend 100 MILLION DOLLARS on an aggressive propaganda campaign to convince voters it's a bad idea. Their most recent TV ad shows an earnest-looking firefighter - yes, a firefighter, the post-911 trump card of righteousness, telling you that you should vote against prop 87 because it will somehow hurt firefighters and teachers, and it would lead to "a future we can't afford." Watch the ad here while it's still up, and enjoy how fucking manipulative it is. There are no facts at all, just pure, unadulterated propaganda. Almost better are the radio ads, which feature staged conversations between average people saying "they're going to RAISE gas prices?? that's the last thing we need!" - click here to listen, and keep in mind that this is presented by the very companies who are making hundreds of billions of dollars in profit even while gas prices rise. Also notice how they sneak the oil company names in at the very end.

When you see ads like that, you can't help but think about how effective they must be on the idiot masses, and you can't help but wonder why political ads are even allowed in the first place. You can just imagine Joe Normal sitting on his couch, seeing those ads and thinking "Gas is expensive! Need gas to drive my SUV! Gas taxes are bad! NO ON 87!" Nevermind that he should be driving a more fuel-efficient vehicle. Nevermind that if we don't solve our dependance on oil we're going to be completely, irreparably fucked in our collective asses, sans lube, in the very near future. To be fair, the "Yes On 87" campaign wasn't completely honest either - they tried to pretend that the proposition had measures in place to prevent the oil companies from passing their tax burden on to consumers. Because "tax" is a four-letter word in politics, even if there's a good purpose behind it. And we all know that prop 87 would for sure have raised gas prices. But you know what? Good. To my mind, gas prices should be raised through the fucking roof. Raise them and keep raising them. Get them up to five dollars a gallon so maybe we can finally end this idiotic, short-sighted trend of everyone driving gigantic, gas-guzzling vehicles. Get them up to ten dollars a gallon so people will finally get mad. People need to start rioting in the streets. People should set their cars on fire and let the economy fall quickly to pieces, so the government has to do something. We should all bust out the torches and storm the fucking oil companies, go all Castle Frankenstein on their asses and demand that they be shut down. Demand that all their profits be siezed and used to develop useful public transportation and alternative fuels. Put everyone involved in Halliburton and the rest of the war-profiteering oil industry on trial for raping the public, along with every elected official who sold their soul to help it along. Sell all our cars to China and let those fuckers dig their own grave while we all get around in the world's most advanced, nationwide public transportation system. As if that would ever happen. You know why solar power never took off? Because the energy companies couldn't figure out how to charge us for sunshine. It's the same reason we'll never be driving cars that run on water - there just isn't enough money to be made from it.

Where's our revolution? Where's that 1960's change-the-world spirit that should be our collective reaction to where we're headed right now? In the 90's Bill Clinton got a blowjob and we nearly impeached the fucker. Our current President lies to us repeatedly and gets thousands of Americans killed as a result, and we re-elect him?? This guy sent thousands of our citizens to die in a war that has spiraled out of control and claimed hundreds of thousands of victims while simultaneously fanning the flames of anti-American sentiment around the world - and our big outrage is that we finally, barely elect enough Democrats to get a slight majority in Congress? That's not something to be too excited about. I guarantee you, if George Bush came on national television during halftime at the Superbowl and announced he was prohibiting the second half of the game from being aired on TV, there would be fucking rioting in the streets. It would make the LA riots look like cuddle party. Every asshole in the States would be toppling cars and getting tear-gassed by cops and martial law would be declared, and you know what? I bet the second half would be on TV before halftime even ended, because millions of angry people rioting in the streets tends to make shit happen. People shouldn't be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people. Too bad people are too self-centered to look into anyone's future but their own immediate ones. They've got their Superbowl. They've got their SUV. Nevermind that their eight hour work day is now a twelve hour work day because the freeways are so congested, or that the commute costs them $15 a day in gas - just as long as Deal Or No Deal is waiting for them on the television at home, sedating them with mindless entertainment.

Two weeks ago a report came out from the World Wildlife Fund which should have been much, much bigger news than it was. I was honestly stunned that it wasn't a huge news story - it barely caused a blip. The report, discussed here, concludes that humanity's "ecological footprint" - the amount of natural resources needed by each person - has more than tripled in the last forty years, and by 2050 we will need two planets' worth of natural resources every year to sustain our current way of life. And that's only assuming our resources won't have already run out by 2050, which they likely will. Oh, and if all of the world lived like Americans, we'd need five planets worth of natural resources a year to sustain us.

Think about that. 2050 is likely within my lifetime, and likely within many of yours, and most certainly your children. By that time, we will probably have depleted our world of natural resources. That's some serious shit. That's, like, Mad Max, end-of-the-world shit. It's going to be like Waterworld, except without all the water, and admittedly probably still not as bad as having to sit through that movie. And that's to say nothing of what global warming will have done to us by then. Just a couple days ago, an editorial in The Guardian by a guy who looks like Henry Gale with AIDS, commented on western society's apathy towards anything that doesn't directly affect them right now, and very wisely said, "It will take bodies in the streets before we see serious global action to stop catastrophic climate change." Yeah. Except by then it will be too late.

We aren't going to stop using natural resources until it's too late. We aren't going to do anything about global warming until it's too late. We aren't going to stop using too much oil until it's too late. That's not me being cynical so much as it's me being realistic. Preventing the WWF's dire predictions for 2050 would mean a drastic overhall of the way we think and live. It would mean massive changes to industry and the economy, and not for the better. It would mean everyone shutting off their consumerist mentalities and living more subdued lives. It would mean you don't get to drive a fancy car, and you don't get a 99 cent double cheeseburger, and you don't get to shop at Wal-Mart. It would mean accepting that maybe life isn't about picking which box has a million dollars in it so you can buy yourself happiness. Maybe it's about love and compassion and being happy with what you have. About enjoying life for what it is. About working together for the betterment of our species and all species. About being part of nature instead of working against it. Thinking outside yourself and what you've been led to believe you need. More this, more that. It's all an illusion. But no one's going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I still want the newest iPod and the biggest TV and I don't want to have to think about where all my garbage goes when I throw it away. Just like everyone else. And we're going to keep it up until there are bodies in the streets and we all let out a collective "oops!" Global warming isn't a debate because it may or may not exist - it's a debate because it does exist, and there's a lot of money to be lost if we start doing something about it. Humanity is a virus that feeds on greed, and we're going to destroy our host. We're a cancer, and global warming is earth's chemotherapy - its final desperate, agonizing attempt to flush us out before we kill it off.

Stephen Hawking has said that the human race will not survive another 1000 years unless we colonize other planets. 1000 years? Oh Stephen, you lovable, drooling little genius - I've always admired your optimism... And how you talk like a robot. I think that's neat.

Okay, I didn't mean for this to turn into such a cynical, hopeless rant. I promise by next week I'll be back to poop stories.