An Open Letter To The Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve
[Currently Listening To: The indescribably irritating sound of my idiot friends laughing obnoxiously loud at the television from downstairs]
Dear Person Who Vomited In My Sink on New Year's Eve,
On the eve of the new year, I invited you into my residence to partake in festivities relating to our passage into 2007. It is my sincerest hope that you enjoyed yourself and that I for my own part was a gracious host. However, I am disquieted to confess that I have not prepared this correspondence in good temper. Quite on the contrary, my message is one of disappointment and admonishment. You see, in the morning following my new year's gathering, I was alarmed to discover a scene of no small horror laid out in my downstairs washroom. The sink, part of the counter, and indeed even part of the mirror were painted quite generously with an extremely foul green-colored sludge of a substance which I came to recognize as vomit. Certainly you can understand my reaction of considerable disgust, for I am no savage, and prefer not to encounter the stomach contents of myself nor anyone else, if indeed it is possible. As such, I found your actions in my washroom to be quite disagreeable.
Please, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, do not think me brutish for my words: I fully comprehend the rather fragile predicament you must certainly have found yourself ensnared in that fateful night, and hold great sympathy for it. The intake of spirits by all parties was understandably more gratuitous than might be considered appropriate on an evening of any lesser festivity. I will confess that on certain gay occasions even I have been known to act in poor judgement and indulge too heavily in the consumption of adult beverages, and I have on those occasions found myself feeling quite ill as a result. Undoubtedly this was the case for you on the eve of the new year, and for that you have my sympathies. However, I must take issue with your choice of location when emptying your stomach contents. Customarily, one who is overcome with the need to be ill does so in the toilet, as it is by its nature a repository for things unclean. Had you merely repositioned yourself thirty six inches due east when emptying your stomach, and flushed the results, I doubt with great sincerity that I would presently be inclined to exchange words with you.
I don't know who you are, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, for you did not own up to your wrongdoing. All I can be certain of is that you ate a salad for dinner on Sunday. From the looks of it, a spinach salad, possibly with tomatoes. Full-sized tomatoes, not the miniature ones they put in salads sometimes. It appears also that you made at least a passing attempt to clean your mess from the surface of the mirror, as it was streaked with foul-smelling, spinach-laiden bile in a pattern suggesting it had been partially wiped off. While I appreciate this, I would have preferred a great deal more effort be invested in the attempt, as the unenviable burden of undoing your grotesque wrongs subsequently fell squarely upon myself. I should also note that the unpleasant results of your salad, marinating overnight as they did, saturated the washroom with an impressively pungent aroma. I have never sliced open a goat's belly and let its filthy innards spill out, then left them sitting in the summer's heat for several days time, rotting and collecting maggots under the unforgiving sun - nor have I any desire to engage in such a practice. However, if I had, I am certain the fragrance produced from said rotting innards, although awe-inspiring, would fail to equal the uniquely unbearable odor which hailed from inside your body and took unwelcome residence in my washroom.
In closing, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, I hope that this letter finds you, and causes you to rethink your choice of vomit receptacle if ever again you find yourself needing to be ill in my or any other washroom. The sink is a poor location for stomach contents, and any persons who think otherwise are quite unwelcome in my home. I very much doubt I will ever know your true identity, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, but should I discover it, I would be strongly inclined to shake my finger at you and say "for shame!"
With regards,
Robert
Dear Person Who Vomited In My Sink on New Year's Eve,
On the eve of the new year, I invited you into my residence to partake in festivities relating to our passage into 2007. It is my sincerest hope that you enjoyed yourself and that I for my own part was a gracious host. However, I am disquieted to confess that I have not prepared this correspondence in good temper. Quite on the contrary, my message is one of disappointment and admonishment. You see, in the morning following my new year's gathering, I was alarmed to discover a scene of no small horror laid out in my downstairs washroom. The sink, part of the counter, and indeed even part of the mirror were painted quite generously with an extremely foul green-colored sludge of a substance which I came to recognize as vomit. Certainly you can understand my reaction of considerable disgust, for I am no savage, and prefer not to encounter the stomach contents of myself nor anyone else, if indeed it is possible. As such, I found your actions in my washroom to be quite disagreeable.
Please, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, do not think me brutish for my words: I fully comprehend the rather fragile predicament you must certainly have found yourself ensnared in that fateful night, and hold great sympathy for it. The intake of spirits by all parties was understandably more gratuitous than might be considered appropriate on an evening of any lesser festivity. I will confess that on certain gay occasions even I have been known to act in poor judgement and indulge too heavily in the consumption of adult beverages, and I have on those occasions found myself feeling quite ill as a result. Undoubtedly this was the case for you on the eve of the new year, and for that you have my sympathies. However, I must take issue with your choice of location when emptying your stomach contents. Customarily, one who is overcome with the need to be ill does so in the toilet, as it is by its nature a repository for things unclean. Had you merely repositioned yourself thirty six inches due east when emptying your stomach, and flushed the results, I doubt with great sincerity that I would presently be inclined to exchange words with you.
I don't know who you are, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, for you did not own up to your wrongdoing. All I can be certain of is that you ate a salad for dinner on Sunday. From the looks of it, a spinach salad, possibly with tomatoes. Full-sized tomatoes, not the miniature ones they put in salads sometimes. It appears also that you made at least a passing attempt to clean your mess from the surface of the mirror, as it was streaked with foul-smelling, spinach-laiden bile in a pattern suggesting it had been partially wiped off. While I appreciate this, I would have preferred a great deal more effort be invested in the attempt, as the unenviable burden of undoing your grotesque wrongs subsequently fell squarely upon myself. I should also note that the unpleasant results of your salad, marinating overnight as they did, saturated the washroom with an impressively pungent aroma. I have never sliced open a goat's belly and let its filthy innards spill out, then left them sitting in the summer's heat for several days time, rotting and collecting maggots under the unforgiving sun - nor have I any desire to engage in such a practice. However, if I had, I am certain the fragrance produced from said rotting innards, although awe-inspiring, would fail to equal the uniquely unbearable odor which hailed from inside your body and took unwelcome residence in my washroom.
In closing, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, I hope that this letter finds you, and causes you to rethink your choice of vomit receptacle if ever again you find yourself needing to be ill in my or any other washroom. The sink is a poor location for stomach contents, and any persons who think otherwise are quite unwelcome in my home. I very much doubt I will ever know your true identity, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, but should I discover it, I would be strongly inclined to shake my finger at you and say "for shame!"
With regards,
Robert
Labels: anecdotes, bodily functions, holidays
posted by Rob at 8:11 PM. [ permanent link ]
82 Comments:
At least you're not addressing the letter to The Person Who Shit In My Sink On New Year's Eve, right?
The way I keep people from puking all over my house is to have an all-night D&D and Venture Brothers Marathon.
For some strange reason, no hardcore drinkers have ever been interested.
I had a drunk girl piss on my kitchen floor one night. apparentlly she had tried to use the trash can as a recepticle and it buckled under her heft. Luckily I didn't have to clean it up, because I refused to leave my room upon hearing the news. Instead I stated "I will deal with that shit in the A.M., my man" by morning it had already been cleaned up.
Dude, this new year's I had a party at my place and I was the one to puke not on the wall but all over the house. It started on the couch but moved its way to the bathroom as I stumbled there vomiting the whole way. THAT was not a pretty site. To top it off, my sister entered the house, saw all the vomit and ran to the bathroom to do her own puking.
To top it off, a friend as drunk as I (who happened to also puke in my sink due to my persistent use of the toilet) fell into a closet/mirror, smashed the whole thing and cracked the base so that the whole thing had to be replaced.
Sinks second best place really, next to the toilet, could of been your fridge or face or something.
Least you didn't have any leftover enemas lying around.
Wrathful yet eloquent. A model of restraint, sir!
glurggh.
i'd rather have chicks doing lines of coke on my desk.
i suggest spending next NYE at someone else's house.
You know whats worse than vomitting in a sink?
Shitting in one!
- Joe
Hahaha. I had a great time on NYE, i vaguely remember vomitting, but our hostess has been kind to indulge us with a list of things broken, missing and found.
One of the things on the list is that bathroom mat which has been regurtitated upon. While she never gave suggestions about the contents of the regugitated mass, it would be wuite difficult to prove that its mine, as all of us had dinner together that night.
I really really hope, and am coninced it wasn't me, but the fact is - I DON'T REMEMBER.
And herein lies the moral of this comment -> since you can't really be sure WHICH one of your friends did the foul deed, you should commit an atrocious deed of at least the same magnitude at ALL of your friends houses. Be creative - be stealthy.
THAT should teach 'em a lesson.
Wow.
Like finn said...spend the holiday at someone else's house.
Or eavesdrop on all your friends to try to find out who did it. It may do the trick.
i too was faced with as disgusting a predicament as yours,though it happened four months ago...i had a job cleaning a bar/restaurant and one not so fine morning i came to discover someone had vomited in a sink in the girls necessary.the sink was almost FULL with non other than up chucked pizza,m-m-m!let me tell you,it was by far the worst thing i have ever had to clean-and i've worked as a nurse aid in the nursing home!happy new year!
Wow, dude. Should I take this as a sign to shit-can my ideas of a Arizona/L.A. holiday season next year? I thought I might finally be able to party with you on NYE, but I do not suffer pukers gladly.
I would never vomit in your sink, Robert. As you know, I am a professional alcoholic and have never in my life missed the toilet. Except that one time where I barfed on my own stairway and laid in it for a few hours.
And take heart, for I present you with a worse scenario: a friend of mine once puked in the kitchen sink - which was filled with dishes at the time. Imagine me emptying glasses and bowls of vomit into the already puke-laden sink. Awesome. Not to mention another friend who vomited into my goddamned washing machine.
Fuckin' jerks.
I couldn't help laughing ridiculously hard when you started discribing the horror that was left in your bathroom.
When you have house parties, things like that are bound to happen.
But at least your house was in one piece, one guy told me his house nearly burnt down on New Years.
While this post was amusing, my favorite part was "The indescribably irritating sound of my idiot friends laughing obnoxiously loud at the television from downstairs" ... now that is genius.
Come on Rob, even if it's disgurting, I see you had an awesome "new art" in your sink. It's crazy how many persons can have imagination in their heads. Seriously, you had a " nice gift" from this asshole who would like to thank you for your invitation. Wow. What a New Year's Eve. Hope next time will be nice for you.
twas me
'twas me
LMAO! Funny shit man
Wow, speaking as someone who has vomited in someone elses sink, I understand somewhere in my drunken psyche where that person was coming from. However, in my case, a clooged up sink is an impolite gift to leave for the host. That is why, in my drunken fog, I used my bare hands and picked my vomit from the sink and placed int in a plastic bag. Said bag was then disposed of. The fluids and non solids were simply washed away. And the whole "missing the sink" business is jut bad aim. Coming from a puker, I would suspect that your culprit was a female. Men tend to take pride in their puke. Women dont seem to do it as much (the exception being bulimia of course), and therefore are worse at it. And the "salad" business is also a characteristic of the female species. Unless you had some hippies over, man-puke would resemble (at least in my sink adventure) steak and poutine. Good luck weeding out the culprit. I believe in you.
Ha ha haaaa!
That was karma for shitting in the hotel room sink.
I bet the same thought went through the head of whoever owns the sink you shat in! I'm sure he/she has written about the foul stench coming from their plughole in another blog..If they know how to blog that is!
Karma matey, bitch innit? ;p
Kez.x
I understand your point but you shit in someone's kitchen sink. Yes, you cleaned it up but it was still wrong to do that. Maybe it's karma for shitting in someone's sink. What that person did to your bathroom is very wrong but from the places where the puke landed it seems maybe they where headed for the toilet but "missed" it. When puke wants to come out it comes out no matter how good you are at holding it.
A tip, next time you have a house party that involves alcohol, have trash cans everywhere. Or point them out to people.
understandable. I would be equally pissed off if I were you and someone puked in my sink and left it for me to clean up. I especially hate cleaning up puke, but who doesn't? That said, it's still a bit better than people puking on your carpet, or floor. Truly, these people!
i've had so many unfortunate experiences with vomit, i've considered compiling "the regurgitation diaries".
my top three:
1) my birthday. my good friend (who was sleeping with me in my bed) woke me up telling me to move. i sprinted to turn on the light, only to witness her vomiting all over my bed, cellphone, floor, stool, rug, birthday flowers, books (i should have just walked out and burned the house down). i didn't think it was possible within the outlined realm or physics and human physiology for a stomach to hold so much volume. there was, quite literally, a swimming pool of food that i could no longer identify (i imagine my birthday cake was somewhere in the mix) flooding my room at 4 am. now, i usually have a titanium gag reflex (ah-hem), but even this was beyond me. the putrid smell burned at my nostrils, my eyes watered, the back of my throat tingled, and i broke out into a cold sweat. at this point, i dragged her sister out of bed; i needed back-up ... desperately. it took 45 minutes to drain and an entire arsenal of cleaning products. meanwhile, my friend moved on the the bathroom, where she tried to rid herself of the last traces of vodka by sounding like a dying buffalo. i slept the rest of the night on a bare mattress in a room that STILL reeked of vomit (with hints of murphy's wood cleaner, lavender and febreeze), and fell asleep to the sweet lullaby of my friend hoarking little bits of pasta from her nasal passages.
2) after a healthly meal of mac and cheese, cheetos, doritos and bacardi, my friend decided that moving the party into the bathroom was just far too reasonable. instead, she proceeded to spew a continuous stream of fluorescent orange slime on my parents light rose carpet. she was so enthusiastic about the whole ordeal that she managed to fill two kitchen pots (oh no, good friends! why pass her a garbage can when you can have her vomit in my kitchen pots?!) AND leave a steaming pile on the carpet. of course, everyone cleared the area immediately ("i can't al, i'll gag!" - yeah and i won't shitbag?), and i was left to clean it up with only a plastic bag protecting my dear hands. it was still warm (shudder) and smelled like cheese. the upside is that i have realized i am invincible.
in fear of committing a human rights violation, i won't even go into # 3. as for my own puke-alicious moments - well, i'd like to retain some sense of integrity.
puke on boys and girls!
Did the sink have dishes in it? That's the worst.
They must wear the ribbon of SHAME
Now that I've looked over everyone else's comments, I've realized that no one is ever going to let the Hawaii/enema story go.
I really should know better than to read your blog while eating. I really should.
someone vomitted in my kitchen sink on new years
Rob, honey, I can totally commiserate with you...
But like everyone else said...
YOU POO'ED IN A SINK!
That's WORSE than vomit. Vomit has a chance to slide down the drain. Poo, especially the poo you described, does not.
What's worse is that you went on to poke the poo down the sink with a FORK! Did you even throw the fork away after that?
But, look at it this way. Karma has been paid back in full, plus interest. ^.^
somebody got a thesauras for christmas.
but apparently not the dictionary. It's 'thesaurus'
new year's resolution for rob: make new (non puking, less obnoxious) friends.
it's been said, but i'll say it again. you poo'd in a sink. pissoff, yuhwhiner.
"Full-sized tomatoes, not the miniature ones they put in salads sometimes." That was very informative, thank you.
at least they didn't puke in your bathtub as a friend of mine i brought to another friend's birthday party did. he promptly disappeared after the act, and i was left with the blame because i brought him.
all i want to know is...where are the pictures???
Apply some blur to the pics and make them the new nin album art!
<3
P.S. No seriously, we need the pics from this and the hawaii events. No matter how good -sometimes too good- your descriptions are, we need them.
So last year it was rich sluts snorting blow off your glass-topped desk; this year it's some nameless drunk ralphing all over your sink...Rob, bubela, I think it's time to quit throwing NYE parties at your place. You and Tamar should come to Boston next year--there's always something fun happening here, and hey, you can stop by my place for black-eyed peas and greens on New Year's Day to boot, and if anyone needs to get thrown out/cleaned up after, it'll be the club staff handling it, not you.
(In the "misery loves company" department, I have in my possession a photo I took in the 40 Watt Club's ladies' room back around 1993 or so of one of the sinks...handwritten on the wall above it are the words "NO BARFING IN SINK--PLEASE USE TOILET". You see, on NYE of '92/93, before 11 PM, well...I know this because I was there that night. *sigh*)
Bahaha. Did you know you are the first thing that comes up on google when you search for "make fun of myspace"
beautiful. I think I'm going to frequent this blog.
When you find the perpetrator, let me know… they vomited in my bathtub.. the full-size tomato was a dead give away! They are not fooling anyone!
-jules
Wasn't me...
This is like something from The Onion.
Guilty as charged!
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There are many different types of DDR pad you can purchase. You will need a gaming system such as a Play station or an Xbox and of course the DDR pads and DDR games!
i think i'm going to be you when i grow up.
Sorry. Really. Really. Really. Sorry. Oh. God. Sorry.
Rob,
You your self have committed the same act from time to time say Ozz Fest a large line heroin was being snorted off the top of the toilet while your lady of the night was taking a piss! You feel that sudden urge to vomit well there is three choices A)vomit between the valley you my enter later!B)Vomit in the sink C)Fall down and choke on your own vomit and die!
That was pretty much un-readably garrulous. Might wanna put less effort into coming off intelligent and more effort into coming off interesting.
well. i for one consider it high time for a new post, yo.
taking into account that we the common people crave your verbal discourse.
go on, give us something to live for.
So, is the site dead?
sorry i can't wait around here waiting for you to do something....you better be dead.
I think the lack of posts may have something to do with Nine Inch Nails' current (and constant) ARG/Year Zero 'Campaign'.
Rob - If you haven't seen this you need to: Mario Flute
hmm.
i wonder if we should be worried about your condition?
you have not posted in over a month.
and my fill of demonbaby sarcasm is not being met.
that saddens me to the highest degree.
=[
please post soon.
Agreed, where have you gone, man? And population paste hasn't seen an update as of late, either.
We're worried 'bout you.
he probably got a new girlfriend
Rob, where are you? We all miss both your blog and Population Paste. I hope it's just you're too busy to post, and not something awful, like rabies or chicken pox or being dead, or something.
Come out and play Rob, not being able to read your blog is reminding me how lame my life and everyone else's is by comparison.
hey dude, come back already
hes cheating on us with trent!
you filthy who-ore!
Well its been 2 months now. im taking this site of my faves list as im sure just about everyone else is doing too
Well don't try and guilt him out of his hole! It's not like he owes us anything.
-Doug
please come back
We miss you!
C'mon Rob!
- Joe
Well, by the sound of things, Rob is probably in the process of making a film. Can you blame him for not posting? With that said, I do miss his lovely lovely stories.
WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED SOME ENTERTAINMENT.
I just completed a deployment in Iraq. Not a single new story... how depressing
YAY FOR ROB
oh jesus i nearly choked on my own laughter.. please... please stop
Maddox posts more freqently than you.
This makes me laugh every time I read it. All your posts do.
I've never left you a comment before, now that I think about it. Your blog is amazing. You have had a very interesting life so far, and reading about it is fascinating. I am constantly telling my friends about it, and have turned a few into avid readers as well. At the risk of sounding like a little fangirl, which I am,..YOU FUCKING RULE. And you're hot, too. And smart.
Rob, your life is a million times more interesting than mine. Will you post another blog so that I can have my face rubbed in that fact? pretty please?
Rob, this is getting ridiculous. As much as i LOVE, nay love isn't the word, ADORE your latest blog, wouldn't updating it again be a good idea? Maybe just a little ironic entry about a new toy you got. A movie review. Maybe some bragging about your wild night antics?
I'm not asking for much. Just a little.
i feel abandoned
You come back to update your music list and not your blog?
*cries*
I miss your blogs, dammit. I've never laughed so hard at my computer screen.
Brilliant!
May 28, Where are you Rob?
lol, nice
My brother once threw a party in the house we were living in with our mother. I left for the night. When I came home the next day, I discovered someone had been generous enough to leave a strangely wilted cucumber with a condom on it underneath my bed.
I switched mattresses with my brother.
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