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Weird Shit From Russia!
[Currently Listening To: Talking Heads - Remain in Light
]
By now it's no secret that I spend a lot of time traversing the globe. I've been to a lot of countries, and seen the type of cool shit you expect to see in foreign lands - old buildings, exotic food, etc. But since I'm always traveling on business, finding myself in major cities with little time to thoroughly explore, my favorite way of discovering other countries has been to mine them for weird shit. The States have become such a wasteland of blandness, such a vapid expanse of corporate sameness, that any opportunity I can find to score some strange foreign crap is more than welcome. To that end, something I often find dismaying about the world outside of America (here's a handy map for those of you confused as to what that might be) is the alarming lack of weird shit. The angry beast of globalization has spread its red-white-and-blue blandness across the earth with insatiable aggression, ensuring that in exotic-sounding places like, say, Budapest, where I am right now, there's still a Burger King down the street, The Simpsons Movie at the local cinema (in English), Coke Zero in the vending machines, and "My Humps" playing loudly on the radio. Like cultural HIV, America continues to spread unfettered.
I love Japan because it's one of the few places I've been to whose uniqueness seems impervious to the American disease, managing to filter U.S. influence through its own bizarre cultural lens and present it as something entirely its own. And for the same reason, it was a pleasure to recently visit Russia for the first time, and find with much relief that there still is some weird shit in Europe after all (although the rest of Europe likes to exclude Russia from the precious title of "European," geography places Moscow and St. Petersburg firmly within the boundaries of the European continent).
To an American, Russia seems a strange and backwards place - a country struggling to get its shit together after centuries of chaos and turmoil. Things don't seem to work the way they should, no one seems to have discovered deodorant, and you are warned from the beginning that corruption is rampant: Stay inside the main cities, because more or less anything goes in the outskirts, and you're likely to be kidnapped. Keep your passport on you, because if you get stopped by the corrupt police and don't have it, they might kidnap you. Don't take taxis, because many of them aren't real taxis, and they'll kidnap you. We had to fly from Moscow to St. Petersburg instead of driving, because on the country highways, sometimes you'll find a broken down truck blocking the road. Stop and get out to help, and you'll be met by men with guns, who will kidnap you. Kidnapping is apparently all the rage in Russia. It's also, by its nature, a terrifying concept, mostly because it's so vague. The term "kidnapping" describes only the act of being taken away itself, and leaves the rest of your life after that point open to any sort of possibility. Will you get killed? Anally raped? Held for ransom? Sold into prostitution? The future is an open book! With all of that in mind, I stuck to the central parts of Moscow and St Petersburg, and found them to be refreshingly nice places, especially for a country that completely collapsed a couple decades ago. Sure, you can't drink the tap water, but come on - baby steps.
So now, sit back, and let me now take you on a wonderfully xenophobic tour of the strangest moments from my extremely brief and limited Russian experience. For your enjoyment, I've decorated this post with deliciously homoerotic stickers I found of this mulleted Russian pop star. Mullets, by the way, are still high fashion in Russia. Anyway, let's begin...
The People.................
There are a handful of stereotypes about Russian people, and at least one of them is true: those fuckers like to drink. As soon as they get off work - and sometimes before they get off work - they flood outdoor gathering areas and chug beer and vodka on the streets like there's no tomorrow. On my first night in Moscow, while walking through an underground passage near Red Square, my friend and I encountered an absurdly drunk Russian dude, dancing to terrible techno music and shouting loudly. He was wearing one of those big furry Russian hats, and his shirt was unbuttoned, exposing his pasty, sweaty gut, which jiggled as he danced. This is him:
He leapt in front of me and yelled something about Russia. He seemed to desire some sort of response, but I can understand Russian about as well as I can menstruate, so I was clueless. In a situation like that, what else could I do? I handed my camera to my friend, and started an impromptu Russian dance party. Homeboy put his big furry Russian hat on me, and for approximately forty five seconds, we partied like few have partied before. Scope the unbelievably hot dance moves:
That was pretty much the high point of my entire time in Russia.
The Food.................
I'm still not exactly sure what exactly constitutes Russian food, but expectedly, meat plays a heavy role. So how could I pass up a restaurant with an incredibly straightforward sign like this one?
As soon as we saw that, there wasn't really any other option for lunch that day. Inside, the waiters wore strange fur hunting outfits, and every wall was decorated eerily with dead animals and primitive weapons. The whole place was a sort of morbid celebration of carnivores where animals stared at you while you ate their relatives. Near our table were creepy squirrels on the wall, and a genuinely terrifying wolf:
The selection of meat on the menu was no less bizarre than the decorations:
I was going to avoid stating the obvious, but fuck it: "Beaver with cowberry sauce" might be the best new euphemism for a menstruating vagina since "muff marinara." And of course, I tried it. When it Rome, right? Bear was actually my first choice, but they were out. Big rush on bear. So beaver it was. You're probably wondering what cowberry sauce is, and I'm afraid that after eating it I'm no closer to having an answer for you. I can, however, assure you that beaver meat is without question the most nauseatingly awful thing I have ever had the misfortunate of putting in my mouth. I've eaten some gnarly shit in my time, and I have a seemingly iron-clad stomach when it comes to weird food, but this time I nearly puked before the meat even hit my throat. It was impressively terrible. It tasted like disease. Like pure, miserable death. Pretty much what I imagine rat meat tastes like. So, lesson learned: If you ever see beaver on the menu and you're feeling adventurous (or just want an excuse to make a sophomoric sexual pun), don't do it. You will be very sorry. Try the wild boar instead.
The Arts.................
One of my favorite things in Russia is how they've adapted the beloved tradition of the matryoshka - the Russian nesting dolls - for the 21st century. In Russian souvenir stands, the variety of hand-painted matryoshkas ranges from quaint and traditional to utterly, fantastically bizarre. Consider, for example, my new prized possession, the George W. Bush Russian Doll - complete with the "I'm a fucking tool" cowboy hat that characterizes our great President so very well:
That's just the beginning, though. Strangely, Osama Bin Laden has been immortalized in Matryoshka form, with other terrorists and dictators nesting inside him:
You can also find dolls for various Soviet dictators, British and French politicians, and even a Bill Clinton matryoshka with a doll inside for each of his many women. None of them, however, can compete with the selection of dolls from the music world:
The greatest compliment I can give the Russian artisans who created this unique masterpiece is that they have captured with alarming accuracy the spiritual essence of Freddie Mercury's overwhelming gayness. You can almost smell the butt sex. Here's another stunning masterpiece:
When I was a wee child, if a magical fairy had come down from the stars and told me that some day, my journey through life would somehow bless me with a genuine traditional matryoshka doll adorned with a hand-painted portrait of Jon Bon Jovi in all his trashy 1980's glory, and that if I cracked him open it would reveal yet another doll featuring Richie Sambora's stupid fat face, I would have said "No, magical fairy, you are a liar, for I could not imagine a life so good for myself." And yet, here I am. But alas, it gets even better. For even as I delighted in the glory of the Bon Jovi Russian doll, I knew not that my next discovery would be...
THE MANY FACES OF MICHAEL JACKSON RUSSIAN DOLL PLAYSET (OR: THE GREATEST THING EVER CRAFTED BY MAN):
Look at it! Feast upon its greatness!! My favorite part is how only the last and tiniest doll portrays Michael when he was still black.
If my funds had been unlimited, I probably would have bought every bizarre Russian doll the country had to offer. Some of the other ones I saw included Britney Spears, Elvis, Metallica, Kobe Bryant, Madonna, AC/DC, Depeche Mode, and many more.
Well, that just about concludes our tour of Russia. I'm confident that it accurately represented all aspects of the entire country. If for some reason you want more, I took some arty tourist photos of Moscow and St. Petersburg and put them up here. They're actually very beautiful cities.
And before I go, please enjoy the unique musical stylings of an old Russian dude playing Celine Dion on a saw, interrupted by a strange dancing man:
EDIT: I can't believe I forgot about this - just a few hours after my tragic encounter with beaver meat, I saw this t-shirt at a souvenir stand. I have no idea what it says (my bet is on sexual innuendo), but it was so eerily appropriate I had to pick it up:
]By now it's no secret that I spend a lot of time traversing the globe. I've been to a lot of countries, and seen the type of cool shit you expect to see in foreign lands - old buildings, exotic food, etc. But since I'm always traveling on business, finding myself in major cities with little time to thoroughly explore, my favorite way of discovering other countries has been to mine them for weird shit. The States have become such a wasteland of blandness, such a vapid expanse of corporate sameness, that any opportunity I can find to score some strange foreign crap is more than welcome. To that end, something I often find dismaying about the world outside of America (here's a handy map for those of you confused as to what that might be) is the alarming lack of weird shit. The angry beast of globalization has spread its red-white-and-blue blandness across the earth with insatiable aggression, ensuring that in exotic-sounding places like, say, Budapest, where I am right now, there's still a Burger King down the street, The Simpsons Movie at the local cinema (in English), Coke Zero in the vending machines, and "My Humps" playing loudly on the radio. Like cultural HIV, America continues to spread unfettered.
I love Japan because it's one of the few places I've been to whose uniqueness seems impervious to the American disease, managing to filter U.S. influence through its own bizarre cultural lens and present it as something entirely its own. And for the same reason, it was a pleasure to recently visit Russia for the first time, and find with much relief that there still is some weird shit in Europe after all (although the rest of Europe likes to exclude Russia from the precious title of "European," geography places Moscow and St. Petersburg firmly within the boundaries of the European continent).To an American, Russia seems a strange and backwards place - a country struggling to get its shit together after centuries of chaos and turmoil. Things don't seem to work the way they should, no one seems to have discovered deodorant, and you are warned from the beginning that corruption is rampant: Stay inside the main cities, because more or less anything goes in the outskirts, and you're likely to be kidnapped. Keep your passport on you, because if you get stopped by the corrupt police and don't have it, they might kidnap you. Don't take taxis, because many of them aren't real taxis, and they'll kidnap you. We had to fly from Moscow to St. Petersburg instead of driving, because on the country highways, sometimes you'll find a broken down truck blocking the road. Stop and get out to help, and you'll be met by men with guns, who will kidnap you. Kidnapping is apparently all the rage in Russia. It's also, by its nature, a terrifying concept, mostly because it's so vague. The term "kidnapping" describes only the act of being taken away itself, and leaves the rest of your life after that point open to any sort of possibility. Will you get killed? Anally raped? Held for ransom? Sold into prostitution? The future is an open book! With all of that in mind, I stuck to the central parts of Moscow and St Petersburg, and found them to be refreshingly nice places, especially for a country that completely collapsed a couple decades ago. Sure, you can't drink the tap water, but come on - baby steps.So now, sit back, and let me now take you on a wonderfully xenophobic tour of the strangest moments from my extremely brief and limited Russian experience. For your enjoyment, I've decorated this post with deliciously homoerotic stickers I found of this mulleted Russian pop star. Mullets, by the way, are still high fashion in Russia. Anyway, let's begin...
The People.................
There are a handful of stereotypes about Russian people, and at least one of them is true: those fuckers like to drink. As soon as they get off work - and sometimes before they get off work - they flood outdoor gathering areas and chug beer and vodka on the streets like there's no tomorrow. On my first night in Moscow, while walking through an underground passage near Red Square, my friend and I encountered an absurdly drunk Russian dude, dancing to terrible techno music and shouting loudly. He was wearing one of those big furry Russian hats, and his shirt was unbuttoned, exposing his pasty, sweaty gut, which jiggled as he danced. This is him:
He leapt in front of me and yelled something about Russia. He seemed to desire some sort of response, but I can understand Russian about as well as I can menstruate, so I was clueless. In a situation like that, what else could I do? I handed my camera to my friend, and started an impromptu Russian dance party. Homeboy put his big furry Russian hat on me, and for approximately forty five seconds, we partied like few have partied before. Scope the unbelievably hot dance moves:
That was pretty much the high point of my entire time in Russia.
The Food.................
I'm still not exactly sure what exactly constitutes Russian food, but expectedly, meat plays a heavy role. So how could I pass up a restaurant with an incredibly straightforward sign like this one?
As soon as we saw that, there wasn't really any other option for lunch that day. Inside, the waiters wore strange fur hunting outfits, and every wall was decorated eerily with dead animals and primitive weapons. The whole place was a sort of morbid celebration of carnivores where animals stared at you while you ate their relatives. Near our table were creepy squirrels on the wall, and a genuinely terrifying wolf:
The selection of meat on the menu was no less bizarre than the decorations:
I was going to avoid stating the obvious, but fuck it: "Beaver with cowberry sauce" might be the best new euphemism for a menstruating vagina since "muff marinara." And of course, I tried it. When it Rome, right? Bear was actually my first choice, but they were out. Big rush on bear. So beaver it was. You're probably wondering what cowberry sauce is, and I'm afraid that after eating it I'm no closer to having an answer for you. I can, however, assure you that beaver meat is without question the most nauseatingly awful thing I have ever had the misfortunate of putting in my mouth. I've eaten some gnarly shit in my time, and I have a seemingly iron-clad stomach when it comes to weird food, but this time I nearly puked before the meat even hit my throat. It was impressively terrible. It tasted like disease. Like pure, miserable death. Pretty much what I imagine rat meat tastes like. So, lesson learned: If you ever see beaver on the menu and you're feeling adventurous (or just want an excuse to make a sophomoric sexual pun), don't do it. You will be very sorry. Try the wild boar instead.
The Arts.................
One of my favorite things in Russia is how they've adapted the beloved tradition of the matryoshka - the Russian nesting dolls - for the 21st century. In Russian souvenir stands, the variety of hand-painted matryoshkas ranges from quaint and traditional to utterly, fantastically bizarre. Consider, for example, my new prized possession, the George W. Bush Russian Doll - complete with the "I'm a fucking tool" cowboy hat that characterizes our great President so very well:
That's just the beginning, though. Strangely, Osama Bin Laden has been immortalized in Matryoshka form, with other terrorists and dictators nesting inside him:
You can also find dolls for various Soviet dictators, British and French politicians, and even a Bill Clinton matryoshka with a doll inside for each of his many women. None of them, however, can compete with the selection of dolls from the music world:
The greatest compliment I can give the Russian artisans who created this unique masterpiece is that they have captured with alarming accuracy the spiritual essence of Freddie Mercury's overwhelming gayness. You can almost smell the butt sex. Here's another stunning masterpiece:
When I was a wee child, if a magical fairy had come down from the stars and told me that some day, my journey through life would somehow bless me with a genuine traditional matryoshka doll adorned with a hand-painted portrait of Jon Bon Jovi in all his trashy 1980's glory, and that if I cracked him open it would reveal yet another doll featuring Richie Sambora's stupid fat face, I would have said "No, magical fairy, you are a liar, for I could not imagine a life so good for myself." And yet, here I am. But alas, it gets even better. For even as I delighted in the glory of the Bon Jovi Russian doll, I knew not that my next discovery would be...
Look at it! Feast upon its greatness!! My favorite part is how only the last and tiniest doll portrays Michael when he was still black.
If my funds had been unlimited, I probably would have bought every bizarre Russian doll the country had to offer. Some of the other ones I saw included Britney Spears, Elvis, Metallica, Kobe Bryant, Madonna, AC/DC, Depeche Mode, and many more.
| Assorted Weird Shit................. Here are some miscellaneous photos of weird shit from Russia:  These are some super cool Russian music dudes. Most importantly, check the terrifying guy at the top. He wants to eat your soul.  It was really nice of Kevin Smith to lend a hand on the bongos, too. | |
 Loosely translated, this Russian t-shirt says "I don't drink with gays." Tied with this for best Russian t-shirt ever. |  Speaking of homophobia, it's ironic that the Russian police force, often criticized for violence and discrimination against gays, has "HOMO" written backwards on all their uniforms. LOL @ TEH HOMO PATROL!!!!1 |
 I guess Jessica Simpson has fallen on hard times lately, as she's apparently been forced to take up work as a Russian escort. |  This is my new favorite drink. |
 Here's a strange and incredibly unpleasant-looking trans-species stuffed animal, which I can't imagine has any effect other than to frighten children. |  Look how tough this dude thinks he is with his Yoda tattoo. |
 This is a statue that was on the street. Children were getting their pictures taken with it. |  Like Germany, there's a lot of highly questionable fashion in Russia. I saw more than a few women dressed like my Grandma's couch. |
Well, that just about concludes our tour of Russia. I'm confident that it accurately represented all aspects of the entire country. If for some reason you want more, I took some arty tourist photos of Moscow and St. Petersburg and put them up here. They're actually very beautiful cities.
And before I go, please enjoy the unique musical stylings of an old Russian dude playing Celine Dion on a saw, interrupted by a strange dancing man:
EDIT: I can't believe I forgot about this - just a few hours after my tragic encounter with beaver meat, I saw this t-shirt at a souvenir stand. I have no idea what it says (my bet is on sexual innuendo), but it was so eerily appropriate I had to pick it up:
Labels: adventures in foreign lands, anecdotes, photos, special features
posted by Rob at 4:00 AM. [ permanent link ]
218 Comments:
I wouldn't really call Russia a part of Europe...
Geez, I'm still laughing about your beaver encounter... *snort* BTW: When you wore that crazy dude's fur hat, weren't you afraid of getting lice?
Hard to believe, but: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Continental_models.gif
I feel a little creepy reading your blog without you knowing... so, I'm announcing myself :)
funny, funny stuff.
:)
Um.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E.U.
Somewhat incongruous given your usual scorn for American ignorance re the rest of the world, no?
@anon 6:40 am: Russia isn't a part of the EU, neither is Switzerland nor Norway. Nonetheless, all belong to the European continent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_Europe).
I was speaking geographically, not politically. Geographically, Moscow and St. Petersburg reside in the continent of Europe. Perhaps I should clarify that to avoid confusion. Again, just refer to my map, it's all the information you'll need: http://www.demonbaby.com/pics/americanworld.gif
I'm stuck in Stockholm still and this made me laugh out loud. Several times. Thank you.
Hey Rob,
I took a photo of you, trent, aaron and the crazy dancing lunatic guy in Nevsky Provence in St.Petersburg hope you don't mind if i post it on ETS.
I thought Russia was crazy too, I very much enjoyed the skin heads that would come out after dark and try to beat up the tourists.
Thank you for an awesome blog that I have found to be one of the few things that can make me smile at a very early hour, sometimes even LoL and expel coffee out my nose. Your sense of humor is truly addicting. You should think of writing a book (or several) of your travels. Keep up the great work and Thanks again!
Rock and roll!
Greetings from Russia! I've neither heard nor seen most of the things described in this post. Those shit about kidnapping made me laugh. Seems, author has his own Russia in his mind, which is much more different from the real one. :)))
you scares me, Rob. Did you really take a plane from Moscow to SPb to avoide kidnapping on highways? Didn't anyone warn you that the risk of the plane being hijacked is even higher?!
and no-one ever was released to tell his story: you see, even locals know nothing...
This post, combined with the fact that I just finished reading 'Absurdistan', makes me want to leave for Russia immediately, with an empty suitcase for those awesome
matryoshka.
As always, I'm glad that you carry a camera with everywhere. Thank you!
Must go make a new cup of coffee, since your be-hatted dance video made me spill mine all over the damn living room. At least I saved the MacBook...
Just for your info, those 'bongos' that Kevin Smith is playing are called 'tabla', which is an indian instrument. They were used to provide the beat for the Mario 64 level "Lethal Lava Land", that one in the basement.
well in the end all are safe, and your style is hilarious, it was a pleasure to read, thanks.
Comment abount special police is a gem: when in spring they quashed an anti-putin rally there were lots of angry talks against them but no one joked about the 'омон' label. So maybe you're first to notice =)
The back alley shots are the best. The textures and lines are stunning, and would definitely look good as a mounted series.
As for the kidnapping: I think you would make a very nice black market sex slave. Think of all the fat smelly women you could pork and the wrinkled man knobs you could suck off in between real beaver meals. Can you say, "Любите Вас долгое время--Два доллара пожалуйста."
Rob, I think these Michael Jackson Matryoshkas are even better:
http://www.m-a-f.be/Matryoshka/matryoshka17.htm
The last 'puppet' is just a strike of genius.
More personalised Matryoshkas from the expo in Antwerp here:
http://www.m-a-f.be/Matryoshka/index.htm
Oh, and I am NOT that Wouter from the first post who fell asleep during geography and doesn't know that Russia is indeed a part of Europe.
See, it's not only Americans who don't know their geography.
eh.. hi rob...
this incredibly unpleasant-looking trans-species stuffed animal (http://www.demonbaby.com/pics/russia/shittystuffedanimal.jpg) you were talking about - is a russian children hero :) so.. he is very kind character
check here.. it is beginning and ending of the program..
http://youtube.com/watch?v=WDgZAch9Bk4
and it is really for small children...
about Dima Bilan... heh.. he is really sucks.. and most of glam boys have his hair cut... Bilans stupid hair cut :D
he was maybe one of the leaders of the Eurovision song contest.. same festival where "The Ark" band which were playing before >>> band. so... this this song contest i was talking abuot.. at ankkarock :)
and.. about europe part... for me and most of people....
em... we think that St.Petersburg it is europe city... and moscow... moscow it is russia.. st.petersburg is st.petersburg.. different countries...
hey Rob)
do you see music video "Basement Jaxx - Take me back to your house"? this post kinda this stuff. Its hard to be Russian and read it about, but taste of humor rullezz. You are great guy! you dancing was cool. I hope you check out spiral forums and PMs.
It was very amazing met you and shake your hand ;)
"Kidnapping is apparently all the rage in Russia"
u sick man, it sounds paranoiac.
u foreign ppl like children, still thinkin that can find a bear on street and snow on ground in summer time.
it's so boring to read such shitty crap.
This was damn hilarious! I was actually laughing out loud, I was even crying! I think it was the creepy stuffed squirrels that got me, that would freak me out! Thanks for keeping everyone updated on the tour, it makes life more interesting.
Ashley :)
Your Russian dance party totally pwned Brett's party.
I miss Russia so much. Especially in the old Soviet areas it feels like a superpower made out of random, spare parts.
I really hate to beat a dead horse, but actually Asia and Europe compose 1 landmass ("continent") and the idea of a European continent was invented for purely social reasons. And actually, it's taught differently in different countries.
"The 7-continent model is usually taught in Western Europe, Northern Europe, Central Europe, China and most English-speaking countries. The 6-continent combined-Eurasia model is preferred by the geographic community, Russia, Eastern Europe, and Japan. The 6-continent combined-America model is taught in Latin America, the Iberian Peninsula, Italy, Iran and some other parts of Europe; this model may be taught to include only the 5 inhabited continents (excluding Antarctica)."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continent
It actually kind of interesting to think about what actually construes a "continent"
a) the mullet isn't "still" in style, some estonian VJ on MTV eastern europe brought it back into style three years ago.
b) The Church of the Resurrection also has another name, the church of spilt blood. It's built halfway onto a bridge because said bridge was "the site of the first terrorism in the world." See, Tsar Alexander II was about to release all the serfs, then the people fighting for the liberation of the serfs blew up his carriage on a bridge. So Alexander III took over and... was told not to release the serfs. Thus Churchill called it the worst thing to happen to russia.
c) disambiguation of Europe - For Austrians, the European border is the Danube, for Ukranians, it's the Volga, for Russians, it's the Ural mountains. I think Americans agree with the Urals, but well, no one thinks russia is europe. Not anymore than turkey is.
d) As for the kidnapping, aeroflot is much more dangerous. Taking a Russian train is simply something one must do.
e) if it's not already apparent. I kinda miss russia. You shoulda gone to priogi.
-- side note based off comments - the basement jaxx video does indeed rock.
yeah. it is Church of the Savior on Blood :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_the_Savior_on_Blood
ah.. no.. mullet is awful.. realy awful and russian pop stars sucks with theirs homo, gay and prostitute life.. anyway, russian rock music takes first step of new life, but it is still far from NewWorld...
I was laughing like crazy reading this, thank you so much Rob!
espesially about OMON. what a fresh view on the subject :)
actually I live in Moscow myself. every fucking day I live among all this weird shit!
I'm just worried. what PETA thinks about eating wild animals in cowberry sauce??
and by the way are you sure it was beaver not a cat or a dog? :)
My, you looked quite fetching in that sweaty fur hat. Impromptu drunken dance parties unite us as a people, as they happen all across the globe. Heart-warming! And frightening!
I am jealous of your terrible/terrifying adventures - the last trip I took was to Denver, and while there was plenty to be disturbed about (my xenophobia extends to Everywhere That Is Not New York), nothing involved wild meats in "cowberry" sauce.
Holy crap, I think I saw that mullet-bearing Pop star on the World Music Awards last night.
F'n hilarious!
I was wondering when your next post was going to occur and it sure was worth the wait!
ha
i like how the russians got all offended and everyone else was like "that's fuckin hilarious!"
as an american, that was fuckin hilarious
Oh motherland. Beaver? Try Red Square roasted pigeon. Or even Old Babushka braised in vodka sauce. That's for the true swashbuckler, Rob. Enjoy your travels.
Your blogs are gold. Seriously, you have a knack for comedic writing. You should do it more often.
Rob, thank you. I love this site, and your warped perspective. jodifl wrote that you should do books. Travel books for the depraved would be fantastic! Safe and healthy travels to you. PS..step away from the Russian beaver!
I have to say this: Colombians take the cake when it comes to kidnapping. You will NEVER be found if you are kidnapped in Colombia. And the government will never look for you. They even kidnap presidential candidates.
“More than half the world's kidnappings take place in Colombia, according to the British Medical Journal, and the country is on pace to set a new record this year.”
Haven’t you ever wondered why we call it kidnapping if an adult is taken?
P.S. You should get checked for lice after wearing that hat.
You were not in Росси! The Fool
...I do not know English well, but I’ll try to write...
Thanks Rob! You write very interesting things. And you have excellent sense of humour! Especially about OMON, I think it can become a popular joke among Russian people... And about " strange and incredibly unpleasant-looking trans-species stuffed anima" O! It’s Hrusha!!! He is so lovely and kind character!!! Children love him very much! еmmm... Russian children )))
Dima Bilan... He is awful... but probably you did not see and did not hear Timati... IMHO, it much uglier!
...excuse me if I have made many mistakes in the text.
PS: "one of those big furry Russian hats"
Ushanka =)))
"kidnapping"??? hahahahaha... you're incredibly naive :))))
Dima Bilan last name in russia sounds like a swear word - Iblan(tranlated as "fucker", but has different meaning: "fool").
Not all Russians are offended at the post. I'm Russian, and I thought that shit was funny. Yeah, I don't know about the kidnappings. But then I don't really venture outside of the cities when I go home. I've had visiting German friends totally abducted by cops though (to the police precinct) and not released until they paid a ransom of 20 Euros. People, the city of St. Petersburg was named by Peter the Great (god bless his departed soul) as "Window to Europe." Does this give anyone a clue as to whether the city is in Europe or not? It's true, Russians are about as European as the Turks.
so full of clishe and so adapted to mediocre american(and|or russian) mind. this is a kind of stuff(including artwork) that you can write about any country of the world. why bother to give such useless examples of the weird shit when you can simply say that Russia is full of the_weird_shit, period.
just like United States are. period.
keep cool.
Do you have a girlfriend?
it always makes me wonder why someone like you goes to another country? Perhaps you should just stay home
Mr. Sheridan, I salute you for boldly going where no man has gone before. To the impromptu Russian dance party.
That shit was whack...
scuko!
Rob,LEARN ALBANIAN!
oh, guyz, you sound so ridiculous speaking about Russia in that way))
for all of you we're still a country where every1 plays balalaika and where wild bears wander around in the streets of every city))
you know we also can to USA to one of the small towns and post tons of weird stuff in our blogs. we also can speak just like "look! there fat stupid rednecks all over America!" or "oh! American big cities are full of junkies and dirty bums!"
..and so on..
Rob, come to Russia again. We learn to you drink vodka, and dancing with wild bear!
We a welcome!
P.S.
Sorry my bad language, just in shcool i`m learning albanian language.
You understand me? Or not?
Can we stop..
Me I`m Not
Can we drink Me
Yeah I`m Not
Can we dancing
Me With Bear
Goodluck man...
хуйню не говори
you carried russian life to an absurdity
Bilan is really fucking EBLAN
but i laughed
i read your blog without you knowing too. i googled "bad myspace haircuts," and found so much more. mmm elk.
Laughing and crying,laughing and crying...The manner of story-telling is really cool.I like sarcasm.Just a little offensive reading all this being Russian myself.As for kidnapping it's a bullshit.And location of Russia...It's neither Europe nor Asia.Here we deal with the quetion of mentality.In this sense Saint-Petersburg is more "european".
After your post I thought it's high time to take stereotypes about Russia as its advantages:)Anyway thanks for a minute of laugh))
Anastasia
oh, what a total CRAP about kidnapping =) I loled. who told you that? your guide or something? they just wanted to make some money out of overpriced flight tickets, that is all... and you trusted them, poor suckers =))
haha, seems to be one of the best reports on travelling to our country. you rule!
Russian police force hasn't "HOMO" written backwards on all their uniforms. It's sounds like Omon. In English it will be Police Group of Special Purpose.
And all our policemen haven't such written backwards on their clothes.
Ohhh, you're so great, you've just opened our eyes to real Russia, now we all have understood what Russia really is. You show us that you're a man with an enormous outlook and deep thoughts.
"Kidnapping is apparently all the rage in Russia"
u sick man, it sounds paranoiac.
u foreign ppl like children, still thinkin that can find a bear on street and snow on ground in summer time.
it's so boring to read such shitty crap.
I can only repeat the same and add some more...
Just broaden ure knowledge before trying 2 defile an impression of others about Russia! U're a miserable silly tourist.
it was funny to read. I like ure stile, but not those stupid facts about kidnapping and some other bullshit.
You should learn history at first. Be kind, make an effort - get an aducation before typing such sort of shit about Russia! As all the russians can see after reading ure post u know almost nothing about this country... may be just about matryoshka.)
Oh man, you Russians are getting so worked up! Maybe the subtle tongue-in-cheek nature of Rob's writing gets lost in the translation, but you shouldn't take him so seriously. Look through other entries on the site - he enjoys writing travel reports from his and other countries that focus on odd details and generally make light of everything. It's humor writing and not meant to be serious, and I think his sarcasm in saying "that explains everything you need to know about Russia" should clue you off that he's not out to make any accurate conclusions about the country, just laugh at a few silly things like he does back in the states, and in Japan, and Europe, and probably many more places in the future. Lighten up Russians!
This's not a sense of humour this's just a try to show oneself up by humiliating others. this sucks.
one sees what he wants to see.
@ anonymous: who is being humiliated? the russian people? there are no insults to russia here, just funny stories and observations. please, russians, don't take insult to something until you have a full grasp of the english language to understand the subtle humor. trust me there is more in the subtext here than the literal translation. have a little fun and lighten up. rob said nothing mean about russia - mostly he says lots of mean things about USA!!