Demonbaby: Saturday, August 11, 2007subscribe to demonbaby

Weird Shit From Russia!

[Currently Listening To: Talking Heads - Remain in Light]

By now it's no secret that I spend a lot of time traversing the globe. I've been to a lot of countries, and seen the type of cool shit you expect to see in foreign lands - old buildings, exotic food, etc. But since I'm always traveling on business, finding myself in major cities with little time to thoroughly explore, my favorite way of discovering other countries has been to mine them for weird shit. The States have become such a wasteland of blandness, such a vapid expanse of corporate sameness, that any opportunity I can find to score some strange foreign crap is more than welcome. To that end, something I often find dismaying about the world outside of America (here's a handy map for those of you confused as to what that might be) is the alarming lack of weird shit. The angry beast of globalization has spread its red-white-and-blue blandness across the earth with insatiable aggression, ensuring that in exotic-sounding places like, say, Budapest, where I am right now, there's still a Burger King down the street, The Simpsons Movie at the local cinema (in English), Coke Zero in the vending machines, and "My Humps" playing loudly on the radio. Like cultural HIV, America continues to spread unfettered.

I love Japan because it's one of the few places I've been to whose uniqueness seems impervious to the American disease, managing to filter U.S. influence through its own bizarre cultural lens and present it as something entirely its own. And for the same reason, it was a pleasure to recently visit Russia for the first time, and find with much relief that there still is some weird shit in Europe after all (although the rest of Europe likes to exclude Russia from the precious title of "European," geography places Moscow and St. Petersburg firmly within the boundaries of the European continent).

To an American, Russia seems a strange and backwards place - a country struggling to get its shit together after centuries of chaos and turmoil. Things don't seem to work the way they should, no one seems to have discovered deodorant, and you are warned from the beginning that corruption is rampant: Stay inside the main cities, because more or less anything goes in the outskirts, and you're likely to be kidnapped. Keep your passport on you, because if you get stopped by the corrupt police and don't have it, they might kidnap you. Don't take taxis, because many of them aren't real taxis, and they'll kidnap you. We had to fly from Moscow to St. Petersburg instead of driving, because on the country highways, sometimes you'll find a broken down truck blocking the road. Stop and get out to help, and you'll be met by men with guns, who will kidnap you. Kidnapping is apparently all the rage in Russia. It's also, by its nature, a terrifying concept, mostly because it's so vague. The term "kidnapping" describes only the act of being taken away itself, and leaves the rest of your life after that point open to any sort of possibility. Will you get killed? Anally raped? Held for ransom? Sold into prostitution? The future is an open book! With all of that in mind, I stuck to the central parts of Moscow and St Petersburg, and found them to be refreshingly nice places, especially for a country that completely collapsed a couple decades ago. Sure, you can't drink the tap water, but come on - baby steps.

So now, sit back, and let me now take you on a wonderfully xenophobic tour of the strangest moments from my extremely brief and limited Russian experience. For your enjoyment, I've decorated this post with deliciously homoerotic stickers I found of this mulleted Russian pop star. Mullets, by the way, are still high fashion in Russia. Anyway, let's begin...

The People.................

There are a handful of stereotypes about Russian people, and at least one of them is true: those fuckers like to drink. As soon as they get off work - and sometimes before they get off work - they flood outdoor gathering areas and chug beer and vodka on the streets like there's no tomorrow. On my first night in Moscow, while walking through an underground passage near Red Square, my friend and I encountered an absurdly drunk Russian dude, dancing to terrible techno music and shouting loudly. He was wearing one of those big furry Russian hats, and his shirt was unbuttoned, exposing his pasty, sweaty gut, which jiggled as he danced. This is him:

drunk russian dude

He leapt in front of me and yelled something about Russia. He seemed to desire some sort of response, but I can understand Russian about as well as I can menstruate, so I was clueless. In a situation like that, what else could I do? I handed my camera to my friend, and started an impromptu Russian dance party. Homeboy put his big furry Russian hat on me, and for approximately forty five seconds, we partied like few have partied before. Scope the unbelievably hot dance moves:

That was pretty much the high point of my entire time in Russia.

The Food.................

I'm still not exactly sure what exactly constitutes Russian food, but expectedly, meat plays a heavy role. So how could I pass up a restaurant with an incredibly straightforward sign like this one?

a lot of meat

As soon as we saw that, there wasn't really any other option for lunch that day. Inside, the waiters wore strange fur hunting outfits, and every wall was decorated eerily with dead animals and primitive weapons. The whole place was a sort of morbid celebration of carnivores where animals stared at you while you ate their relatives. Near our table were creepy squirrels on the wall, and a genuinely terrifying wolf:

The selection of meat on the menu was no less bizarre than the decorations:

I was going to avoid stating the obvious, but fuck it: "Beaver with cowberry sauce" might be the best new euphemism for a menstruating vagina since "muff marinara." And of course, I tried it. When it Rome, right? Bear was actually my first choice, but they were out. Big rush on bear. So beaver it was. You're probably wondering what cowberry sauce is, and I'm afraid that after eating it I'm no closer to having an answer for you. I can, however, assure you that beaver meat is without question the most nauseatingly awful thing I have ever had the misfortunate of putting in my mouth. I've eaten some gnarly shit in my time, and I have a seemingly iron-clad stomach when it comes to weird food, but this time I nearly puked before the meat even hit my throat. It was impressively terrible. It tasted like disease. Like pure, miserable death. Pretty much what I imagine rat meat tastes like. So, lesson learned: If you ever see beaver on the menu and you're feeling adventurous (or just want an excuse to make a sophomoric sexual pun), don't do it. You will be very sorry. Try the wild boar instead.

The Arts.................

One of my favorite things in Russia is how they've adapted the beloved tradition of the matryoshka - the Russian nesting dolls - for the 21st century. In Russian souvenir stands, the variety of hand-painted matryoshkas ranges from quaint and traditional to utterly, fantastically bizarre. Consider, for example, my new prized possession, the George W. Bush Russian Doll - complete with the "I'm a fucking tool" cowboy hat that characterizes our great President so very well:

That's just the beginning, though. Strangely, Osama Bin Laden has been immortalized in Matryoshka form, with other terrorists and dictators nesting inside him:

You can also find dolls for various Soviet dictators, British and French politicians, and even a Bill Clinton matryoshka with a doll inside for each of his many women. None of them, however, can compete with the selection of dolls from the music world:

The greatest compliment I can give the Russian artisans who created this unique masterpiece is that they have captured with alarming accuracy the spiritual essence of Freddie Mercury's overwhelming gayness. You can almost smell the butt sex. Here's another stunning masterpiece:

When I was a wee child, if a magical fairy had come down from the stars and told me that some day, my journey through life would somehow bless me with a genuine traditional matryoshka doll adorned with a hand-painted portrait of Jon Bon Jovi in all his trashy 1980's glory, and that if I cracked him open it would reveal yet another doll featuring Richie Sambora's stupid fat face, I would have said "No, magical fairy, you are a liar, for I could not imagine a life so good for myself." And yet, here I am. But alas, it gets even better. For even as I delighted in the glory of the Bon Jovi Russian doll, I knew not that my next discovery would be...


Look at it! Feast upon its greatness!! My favorite part is how only the last and tiniest doll portrays Michael when he was still black.

If my funds had been unlimited, I probably would have bought every bizarre Russian doll the country had to offer. Some of the other ones I saw included Britney Spears, Elvis, Metallica, Kobe Bryant, Madonna, AC/DC, Depeche Mode, and many more.

Assorted Weird Shit.................

Here are some miscellaneous photos of weird shit from Russia:

These are some super cool Russian music dudes. Most importantly, check the terrifying guy at the top. He wants to eat your soul.

It was really nice of Kevin Smith to lend a hand on the bongos, too.

Loosely translated, this Russian t-shirt says "I don't drink with gays." Tied with this for best Russian t-shirt ever.

Speaking of homophobia, it's ironic that the Russian police force, often criticized for violence and discrimination against gays, has "HOMO" written backwards on all their uniforms. LOL @ TEH HOMO PATROL!!!!1

I guess Jessica Simpson has fallen on hard times lately, as she's apparently been forced to take up work as a Russian escort.

This is my new favorite drink.

Here's a strange and incredibly unpleasant-looking trans-species stuffed animal, which I can't imagine has any effect other than to frighten children.

Look how tough this dude thinks he is with his Yoda tattoo.

This is a statue that was on the street. Children were getting their pictures taken with it.

Like Germany, there's a lot of highly questionable fashion in Russia. I saw more than a few women dressed like my Grandma's couch.

Well, that just about concludes our tour of Russia. I'm confident that it accurately represented all aspects of the entire country. If for some reason you want more, I took some arty tourist photos of Moscow and St. Petersburg and put them up here. They're actually very beautiful cities.

And before I go, please enjoy the unique musical stylings of an old Russian dude playing Celine Dion on a saw, interrupted by a strange dancing man:

EDIT: I can't believe I forgot about this - just a few hours after my tragic encounter with beaver meat, I saw this t-shirt at a souvenir stand. I have no idea what it says (my bet is on sexual innuendo), but it was so eerily appropriate I had to pick it up:

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Blogger wouter said...

I wouldn't really call Russia a part of Europe...

4:38 AM  
Blogger Karin said...

Geez, I'm still laughing about your beaver encounter... *snort* BTW: When you wore that crazy dude's fur hat, weren't you afraid of getting lice?

4:50 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

Hard to believe, but:

4:51 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

I feel a little creepy reading your blog without you knowing... so, I'm announcing myself :)

funny, funny stuff.


5:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Somewhat incongruous given your usual scorn for American ignorance re the rest of the world, no?

6:40 AM  
Blogger Karin said...

@anon 6:40 am: Russia isn't a part of the EU, neither is Switzerland nor Norway. Nonetheless, all belong to the European continent (

7:02 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

I was speaking geographically, not politically. Geographically, Moscow and St. Petersburg reside in the continent of Europe. Perhaps I should clarify that to avoid confusion. Again, just refer to my map, it's all the information you'll need:

7:06 AM  
Anonymous Sev said...

I'm stuck in Stockholm still and this made me laugh out loud. Several times. Thank you.

7:57 AM  
Anonymous HughMan said...

Hey Rob,
I took a photo of you, trent, aaron and the crazy dancing lunatic guy in Nevsky Provence in St.Petersburg hope you don't mind if i post it on ETS.

I thought Russia was crazy too, I very much enjoyed the skin heads that would come out after dark and try to beat up the tourists.

8:45 AM  
Anonymous jodiFL said...

Thank you for an awesome blog that I have found to be one of the few things that can make me smile at a very early hour, sometimes even LoL and expel coffee out my nose. Your sense of humor is truly addicting. You should think of writing a book (or several) of your travels. Keep up the great work and Thanks again!

9:43 AM  
Blogger aliasgrace said...

Rock and roll!

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greetings from Russia! I've neither heard nor seen most of the things described in this post. Those shit about kidnapping made me laugh. Seems, author has his own Russia in his mind, which is much more different from the real one. :)))

11:03 AM  
Blogger Nordlyss said...

you scares me, Rob. Did you really take a plane from Moscow to SPb to avoide kidnapping on highways? Didn't anyone warn you that the risk of the plane being hijacked is even higher?!

and no-one ever was released to tell his story: you see, even locals know nothing...

11:08 AM  
Blogger RealLowVibe said...

This post, combined with the fact that I just finished reading 'Absurdistan', makes me want to leave for Russia immediately, with an empty suitcase for those awesome

As always, I'm glad that you carry a camera with everywhere. Thank you!

Must go make a new cup of coffee, since your be-hatted dance video made me spill mine all over the damn living room. At least I saved the MacBook...

11:08 AM  
Blogger Karl said...

Just for your info, those 'bongos' that Kevin Smith is playing are called 'tabla', which is an indian instrument. They were used to provide the beat for the Mario 64 level "Lethal Lava Land", that one in the basement.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Nordlyss said...

well in the end all are safe, and your style is hilarious, it was a pleasure to read, thanks.
Comment abount special police is a gem: when in spring they quashed an anti-putin rally there were lots of angry talks against them but no one joked about the 'омон' label. So maybe you're first to notice =)

11:29 AM  
Anonymous F_ said...

The back alley shots are the best. The textures and lines are stunning, and would definitely look good as a mounted series.

As for the kidnapping: I think you would make a very nice black market sex slave. Think of all the fat smelly women you could pork and the wrinkled man knobs you could suck off in between real beaver meals. Can you say, "Любите Вас долгое время--Два доллара пожалуйста."

11:32 AM  
Blogger wouter said...

Rob, I think these Michael Jackson Matryoshkas are even better:

The last 'puppet' is just a strike of genius.

More personalised Matryoshkas from the expo in Antwerp here:

11:37 AM  
Blogger wouter said...

Oh, and I am NOT that Wouter from the first post who fell asleep during geography and doesn't know that Russia is indeed a part of Europe.

See, it's not only Americans who don't know their geography.

11:40 AM  
Blogger resolc said...

eh.. hi rob...

this incredibly unpleasant-looking trans-species stuffed animal ( you were talking about - is a russian children hero :) so.. he is very kind character
check here.. it is beginning and ending of the program..

and it is really for small children...

about Dima Bilan... heh.. he is really sucks.. and most of glam boys have his hair cut... Bilans stupid hair cut :D

he was maybe one of the leaders of the Eurovision song contest.. same festival where "The Ark" band which were playing before >>> band. so... this this song contest i was talking abuot.. at ankkarock :)

1:55 PM  
Blogger resolc said...

and.. about europe part... for me and most of people....
em... we think that St.Petersburg it is europe city... and moscow... moscow it is russia.. st.petersburg is st.petersburg.. different countries...

1:57 PM  
Blogger volk said...

hey Rob)
do you see music video "Basement Jaxx - Take me back to your house"? this post kinda this stuff. Its hard to be Russian and read it about, but taste of humor rullezz. You are great guy! you dancing was cool. I hope you check out spiral forums and PMs.
It was very amazing met you and shake your hand ;)

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Kidnapping is apparently all the rage in Russia"

u sick man, it sounds paranoiac.
u foreign ppl like children, still thinkin that can find a bear on street and snow on ground in summer time.

it's so boring to read such shitty crap.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was damn hilarious! I was actually laughing out loud, I was even crying! I think it was the creepy stuffed squirrels that got me, that would freak me out! Thanks for keeping everyone updated on the tour, it makes life more interesting.

Ashley :)

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your Russian dance party totally pwned Brett's party.

8:40 PM  
Anonymous wendyology said...

I miss Russia so much. Especially in the old Soviet areas it feels like a superpower made out of random, spare parts.

9:20 PM  
Anonymous bekki said...

I really hate to beat a dead horse, but actually Asia and Europe compose 1 landmass ("continent") and the idea of a European continent was invented for purely social reasons. And actually, it's taught differently in different countries.

"The 7-continent model is usually taught in Western Europe, Northern Europe, Central Europe, China and most English-speaking countries. The 6-continent combined-Eurasia model is preferred by the geographic community, Russia, Eastern Europe, and Japan. The 6-continent combined-America model is taught in Latin America, the Iberian Peninsula, Italy, Iran and some other parts of Europe; this model may be taught to include only the 5 inhabited continents (excluding Antarctica)."

It actually kind of interesting to think about what actually construes a "continent"

10:44 PM  
Blogger janthonyjackson said...

a) the mullet isn't "still" in style, some estonian VJ on MTV eastern europe brought it back into style three years ago.

b) The Church of the Resurrection also has another name, the church of spilt blood. It's built halfway onto a bridge because said bridge was "the site of the first terrorism in the world." See, Tsar Alexander II was about to release all the serfs, then the people fighting for the liberation of the serfs blew up his carriage on a bridge. So Alexander III took over and... was told not to release the serfs. Thus Churchill called it the worst thing to happen to russia.

c) disambiguation of Europe - For Austrians, the European border is the Danube, for Ukranians, it's the Volga, for Russians, it's the Ural mountains. I think Americans agree with the Urals, but well, no one thinks russia is europe. Not anymore than turkey is.

d) As for the kidnapping, aeroflot is much more dangerous. Taking a Russian train is simply something one must do.

e) if it's not already apparent. I kinda miss russia. You shoulda gone to priogi.

-- side note based off comments - the basement jaxx video does indeed rock.

2:23 AM  
Blogger resolc said...

yeah. it is Church of the Savior on Blood :)

ah.. no.. mullet is awful.. realy awful and russian pop stars sucks with theirs homo, gay and prostitute life.. anyway, russian rock music takes first step of new life, but it is still far from NewWorld...

3:11 AM  
Anonymous acidpolly said...

I was laughing like crazy reading this, thank you so much Rob!
espesially about OMON. what a fresh view on the subject :)

actually I live in Moscow myself. every fucking day I live among all this weird shit!

I'm just worried. what PETA thinks about eating wild animals in cowberry sauce??
and by the way are you sure it was beaver not a cat or a dog? :)

3:37 AM  
Anonymous Tiffy said...

My, you looked quite fetching in that sweaty fur hat. Impromptu drunken dance parties unite us as a people, as they happen all across the globe. Heart-warming! And frightening!

I am jealous of your terrible/terrifying adventures - the last trip I took was to Denver, and while there was plenty to be disturbed about (my xenophobia extends to Everywhere That Is Not New York), nothing involved wild meats in "cowberry" sauce.

7:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy crap, I think I saw that mullet-bearing Pop star on the World Music Awards last night.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Ch31ito said...

F'n hilarious!

I was wondering when your next post was going to occur and it sure was worth the wait!

2:37 PM  
Anonymous julz said...

i like how the russians got all offended and everyone else was like "that's fuckin hilarious!"
as an american, that was fuckin hilarious

4:25 PM  
Anonymous Nico said...

Oh motherland. Beaver? Try Red Square roasted pigeon. Or even Old Babushka braised in vodka sauce. That's for the true swashbuckler, Rob. Enjoy your travels.

10:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blogs are gold. Seriously, you have a knack for comedic writing. You should do it more often.

4:18 AM  
Anonymous mik said...

Rob, thank you. I love this site, and your warped perspective. jodifl wrote that you should do books. Travel books for the depraved would be fantastic! Safe and healthy travels to you. PS..step away from the Russian beaver!

9:01 AM  
Blogger Ash said...

I have to say this: Colombians take the cake when it comes to kidnapping. You will NEVER be found if you are kidnapped in Colombia. And the government will never look for you. They even kidnap presidential candidates.

“More than half the world's kidnappings take place in Colombia, according to the British Medical Journal, and the country is on pace to set a new record this year.”

Haven’t you ever wondered why we call it kidnapping if an adult is taken?

P.S. You should get checked for lice after wearing that hat.

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You were not in Росси! The Fool

12:14 AM  
Blogger koltakova said...

...I do not know English well, but I’ll try to write...
Thanks Rob! You write very interesting things. And you have excellent sense of humour! Especially about OMON, I think it can become a popular joke among Russian people... And about " strange and incredibly unpleasant-looking trans-species stuffed anima" O! It’s Hrusha!!! He is so lovely and kind character!!! Children love him very much! еmmm... Russian children )))
Dima Bilan... He is awful... but probably you did not see and did not hear Timati... IMHO, it much uglier!
...excuse me if I have made many mistakes in the text.

PS: "one of those big furry Russian hats"
Ushanka =)))

1:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"kidnapping"??? hahahahaha... you're incredibly naive :))))

5:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dima Bilan last name in russia sounds like a swear word - Iblan(tranlated as "fucker", but has different meaning: "fool").

5:48 AM  
Anonymous Plusha said...

Not all Russians are offended at the post. I'm Russian, and I thought that shit was funny. Yeah, I don't know about the kidnappings. But then I don't really venture outside of the cities when I go home. I've had visiting German friends totally abducted by cops though (to the police precinct) and not released until they paid a ransom of 20 Euros. People, the city of St. Petersburg was named by Peter the Great (god bless his departed soul) as "Window to Europe." Does this give anyone a clue as to whether the city is in Europe or not? It's true, Russians are about as European as the Turks.

9:47 AM  
Anonymous i_xyli said...

so full of clishe and so adapted to mediocre american(and|or russian) mind. this is a kind of stuff(including artwork) that you can write about any country of the world. why bother to give such useless examples of the weird shit when you can simply say that Russia is full of the_weird_shit, period.
just like United States are. period.

keep cool.

10:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you have a girlfriend?

6:50 PM  
Blogger Mashka said...

it always makes me wonder why someone like you goes to another country? Perhaps you should just stay home

11:43 PM  
Anonymous Antigone. said...

Mr. Sheridan, I salute you for boldly going where no man has gone before. To the impromptu Russian dance party.

That shit was whack...

5:24 PM  
Anonymous zhenya said...



5:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, guyz, you sound so ridiculous speaking about Russia in that way))
for all of you we're still a country where every1 plays balalaika and where wild bears wander around in the streets of every city))

you know we also can to USA to one of the small towns and post tons of weird stuff in our blogs. we also can speak just like "look! there fat stupid rednecks all over America!" or "oh! American big cities are full of junkies and dirty bums!"
..and so on..

5:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rob, come to Russia again. We learn to you drink vodka, and dancing with wild bear!
We a welcome!
Sorry my bad language, just in shcool i`m learning albanian language.
You understand me? Or not?
Can we stop..
Me I`m Not
Can we drink Me
Yeah I`m Not
Can we dancing
Me With Bear
Goodluck man...

5:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

хуйню не говори
you carried russian life to an absurdity
Bilan is really fucking EBLAN
but i laughed

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

i read your blog without you knowing too. i googled "bad myspace haircuts," and found so much more. mmm elk.

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laughing and crying,laughing and crying...The manner of story-telling is really cool.I like sarcasm.Just a little offensive reading all this being Russian myself.As for kidnapping it's a bullshit.And location of Russia...It's neither Europe nor Asia.Here we deal with the quetion of mentality.In this sense Saint-Petersburg is more "european".
After your post I thought it's high time to take stereotypes about Russia as its advantages:)Anyway thanks for a minute of laugh))

1:11 PM  
Anonymous nezh said...

oh, what a total CRAP about kidnapping =) I loled. who told you that? your guide or something? they just wanted to make some money out of overpriced flight tickets, that is all... and you trusted them, poor suckers =))

2:00 PM  
Blogger Author said...

haha, seems to be one of the best reports on travelling to our country. you rule!

3:01 AM  
Anonymous Foxhaund said...

Russian police force hasn't "HOMO" written backwards on all their uniforms. It's sounds like Omon. In English it will be Police Group of Special Purpose.

And all our policemen haven't such written backwards on their clothes.

3:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohhh, you're so great, you've just opened our eyes to real Russia, now we all have understood what Russia really is. You show us that you're a man with an enormous outlook and deep thoughts.

4:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Kidnapping is apparently all the rage in Russia"

u sick man, it sounds paranoiac.
u foreign ppl like children, still thinkin that can find a bear on street and snow on ground in summer time.

it's so boring to read such shitty crap.

I can only repeat the same and add some more...
Just broaden ure knowledge before trying 2 defile an impression of others about Russia! U're a miserable silly tourist.

4:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it was funny to read. I like ure stile, but not those stupid facts about kidnapping and some other bullshit.
You should learn history at first. Be kind, make an effort - get an aducation before typing such sort of shit about Russia! As all the russians can see after reading ure post u know almost nothing about this country... may be just about matryoshka.)

5:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man, you Russians are getting so worked up! Maybe the subtle tongue-in-cheek nature of Rob's writing gets lost in the translation, but you shouldn't take him so seriously. Look through other entries on the site - he enjoys writing travel reports from his and other countries that focus on odd details and generally make light of everything. It's humor writing and not meant to be serious, and I think his sarcasm in saying "that explains everything you need to know about Russia" should clue you off that he's not out to make any accurate conclusions about the country, just laugh at a few silly things like he does back in the states, and in Japan, and Europe, and probably many more places in the future. Lighten up Russians!

5:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This's not a sense of humour this's just a try to show oneself up by humiliating others. this sucks.

5:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

one sees what he wants to see.

5:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

@ anonymous: who is being humiliated? the russian people? there are no insults to russia here, just funny stories and observations. please, russians, don't take insult to something until you have a full grasp of the english language to understand the subtle humor. trust me there is more in the subtext here than the literal translation. have a little fun and lighten up. rob said nothing mean about russia - mostly he says lots of mean things about USA!!

5:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Тебе пиздец

7:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, t-shirt with a beaver says: "Eaten a beaver - saved the tree". And I'd like to say that in every country you may find something strange or unpleasant to laugh at. On the other hand, every country has lots of things to be proud of. Every visitor looks for something closely related to his mind. It seems to me, you haven't yet visited any of our museums, though you've already seen lot's of garbage sold to the masses. And you know why people sell such t-shorts and other shit? Because thousands of jerks buy it ;)

10:55 AM  
Blogger koltakova said...

"Тебе пиздец"

o God!...worthy protest...bravo!:((((
I am ashamed of Russian after some comments...It's like "Let's talk about Great Russia!" it is a kind of a pathological patriotism... Where russian sense of humour? be easy!

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To anonymous above: I guess you didn't notice Rob's really nice photos of Russia:

Clearly he saw some really beautiful things and enjoyed it. But since this is a HUMOR blog, he chose here to focus on things that were funny to an outsider. Just as he did with Japan, and Europe, and USA. So just relax, it's not an insult to Russia!

If Americans got this offended every time someone made fun of their useless junk, the entire internet would screech to a halt.

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

those photos are actually grate. they're about Russia.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

great not grate, of course

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Тебе пиздец"

o God!...worthy protest...bravo!:((((
I am ashamed of Russian after some comments...It's like "Let's talk about Great Russia!" it is a kind of a pathological patriotism... Where russian sense of humour? be easy!

И тебе пиздец. Мы тебя повесим, готовься.

12:47 PM  
Blogger koltakova said...

no comments

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now as I see Russian people swearing at you, it smells, but Rob, as a more or less reasonable Russian person, I beg to differ.
1) Kidnapping doesn't happen everywhere, especially between Moscow and St. Pete. That's a quite well protected area.
Maybe you were told it did, but I really think it was done so you wouldn't run around and get lost. Americans are thought of as idiots, you know.:)
2) It says "Ate a beaver - saved a tree" on the t-shirt. Way to go, man, you're saving ecology!
3) The rest is so true, oh so true. :) You should've stayed longer, it'd be way more fun for you.
4) "Тебе пиздец" ужасно интеллектуальный комментарий. С похищениями человек перестарался, конечно, но дикость страны скрывать бесполезно. Особенно когда пишут "тебе пиздец". ДИкари(

3:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kidnapping REALLY happens in the South of Russia where we have Chechnya. The rest is pretty much like any country with a high crime rate - it's not that good certainly, but it really isn't as crazy as you may've thought.

3:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In Soviet Russia, comment reads you!


6:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is cool)))
It's my country looking of Trent)))
Maybe he will come to us and stay for livin'?)))

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh,no. i'm sure Rob won't come to our country. if only we stop kidnapping and learn how to cook...

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

woo-hoo! I had a good laugh! Thank you very very very much!
*now I also know that I should never taste beaver meat even if they put a gun to my head*

I live in St.-Petersburg and I totally agree that we have loads of weird stuff here which indeed makes Russians laugh and take pics. =) If I were your guide I could show you even more of that - and beauiful things too :)

*and haven't they fed you with genuine Russian pancakes in TEREMOK? this food really rulez!))*


11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

testy little buggers, arent they?

5:49 PM  
Blogger resolc said...

eat beaver - save tree

3:29 AM  
Blogger resolc said...

t-shirt says :)

3:30 AM  
Blogger Linda W. said...

Hey, Rob!

You are right - there are many weir shit in Russia! :)

I liked your St. Petersburg and Moscow pictures.. beautiful!

P.S. That t-shirt - with that beaver.. it was said "Rided down beaver - saved a tree!" :)

Linda W.

3:32 AM  
Blogger Irina said...

The pic with the beaver shows new Russian environmental consciousnees - consicensciousnees.. whatever :-)

It says: If you ATE a beaver, you saved a tree...

very poetic...

Rob, you saved a tree! You ate beaver in this strange café, did not you?

7:43 AM  
Blogger Francesca/FF:L said...


1:17 PM  
Anonymous Ashley said...

My sister works for NASA and has to go back and forth to Moscow frequently. And believe it or not, all you nay-sayers out there, kidnapping (adultnapping?) is a frequent problem. The NASA employees are warned about it. Also they're told not to wear denim or any easily identifiable popular American brand name clothing as that could get you stripped in some seedy back alley and left naked without a passport.

Also, I'll send her the beaver picture and see if she can translate it. Most of her Russian vocabulary has to do with day to day life and the space station/other various space terms, but she loves a challenge.

9:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rob, photos are absolutely amasing!
Thanks for your good sense of humor!!!
Disregard all the crap from some assholes from Russia.

12:14 AM  
Anonymous alison said...

I ate at an American restaurant the other day that offered "sweet spicy [or hot? can't remember] beaver mustard." Apparently there is a Beaver Brand, but I think they got it in the correct order...

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

shirt says "eat a beaver save a tree."

12:31 AM  
Blogger Irina said...

Europe ends at the edge of Ural mountains - 3500 km away to the east from Moscow. It dies not end at the Russian border.

2:07 AM  
Anonymous Olechka said...

Haha Ohhhh Rob. I've been a reader of your blog for ages, but this article really hits close to home as I am half russian/half ukrainian. I don't understand why so many russians are getting worked up, as I thought this article was done in extreme good humor and was overall highly entertaining. It's a pity to see such blind patriotism. Anyway, please do keep writing. I enjoy every new addition to your blog very,very much. Thank You!

4:21 PM  
Anonymous AnnDi said...

you are such an idiot!
I cannot believe you wrote all these crap, you really have some sick imagination! And by the way about the beaver on the T-shirt, it says:"ate a beaver, rescue a tree" and it is actually a joke!

9:37 AM  
Blogger Mirabilia said...


5:47 PM  
Blogger Rima said...

This post has been removed by the author.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Navrotski said...

Who's Rob?

ok, doesn't matter

i'am russian and i should say, that man's seen the real weird shit and said about it. coz whereever u are here in moscow u can find much of that shit. Pitty, he almost didnt say about things he's liked in Russia, but guess the reason is-it is just not so funny.

So what Rob wrote was really funny.

And special kick 2 those specialists in geographics. Here, in the country "of weird shit" we all know what where 's europe and asia from age of 6. So, read maps every morning before shower

4:44 PM  
Blogger Navrotski said...

This post has been removed by the author.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FYI I can read russian and the beaver shirt says "Ate Beaver; Saved a Tree"

9:08 PM  
Blogger Vasily said...

Hey there from Moscow, man. It was a great show and nevermind the lack of people inside the venue - only an idiot could make a concert on wednesday. People were coming from Siberia and even farther places od Russia and ex-USSR countries. I was enjoying the perfomance right a few meters from Trent and it was great, me and most of my friends, whom were present in a kinda massive quantity, even dried a few tears. No, really, no point for disappointment for you all guys. I hope so )
The t-shirt on the last picture says: "Eaten a beaver? Saved a tree!"
And what about the doubtness about the moment if Russians are Europeans or not... At least there is doubtness. Americans are not Europeans for sure )
Some of us are. Some of us not. Just like in any country wherever you live, some people are not considered equal by you yourself.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Vasily said...

By the way, you will be surprised, but originally matryoshkas come from Japan )

4:17 PM  
Blogger Stas said...

It's funny to read) But it's true.

hi, from Moscow city :D

10:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the sign on beaver t-shirt says
"eat a beaver - save a tree"
from russia with love)

2:43 AM  
Anonymous eatshit said...

Не, ну прекольно конечно было почитать и фотографии есть смешные, но про похищение людей конечно это гавно какое-то чушь и бред, матрешки эти спецом для иностранцев делают чтоб потом по приезду в свою сраную америку они показывали их соседям и говорили i have matreshka ho-ho-ho блять дебилы. Короче после таких постов образ России и формируется, а Россия один хуй взъебет вашу пендосию рано и поздно.

6:16 AM  
Anonymous Mr.D said...

We're Wait you!!! Came back as soon as you can!!! =)

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Firrior said...

It was really fun! Thanks! :)

9:17 AM  
Blogger Nick said...

My two pence to "Ate a beaver - saved a tree" as illustration of Russian sense of humor. There is also another popular variant of this joke: "Kill Dontsova* - saved a tree".

*Darya Dontsova is very productive Russian author of pulp fiction bestsellers.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Gas 13 said...

Really funny, thanks. I'm surprised none told you all the meat in Russian restaurants made from cats and dogs.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ох сотончег сраный ))))

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The author has seen that wanted. But in a pursuit of cheap shocking has made one obvious omission which gives it away: Drunk which dances in underground transition,is anybody other, as Yovan Savovich, the founder known the Internet blog, that suggests about a performance.
The absurd cap on its head which any normal Russian never will dress, is obviously bought specially for this performance. Such caps are carried by Kirghiz and Kazakhs

And about a trans-species stuffed animal - that seemed to you strange in this pig? Greater paws? Look on Mikki the Mouse. Huge monstrous mice in the huge white gloves, walking in Disney-lands at me always caused disgust.
If to speak about mutants - recollect the television program “Sezam street” - here where the sick imagination of founders was spreaded. However the American children have got used to such monsters and love them

These impressions - the concentrated and specially found displays of stereotypes about Russia, occuring in the American society. If it is fair, this post has disappointed the with dullness and any unhealthy associations of the author on sexual themes

11:08 PM  
Blogger vicg said...

Блять люди. Не знаете английский и не понимаете юмора не пишите говна. Все нормально он описал, никого нигде не оскорбил.

Hey, Rob. This is one of the coolest texts from foreigner about my country. Yeah!

About kidnapping. It's a bullshit, you know. Yeah, may be it was true in early 90's only or in Caucas.

I have a lot of friends who came to Russia to work, and mostly of them are fond of living here.

So any foreigners are welcome. Come to see our country. We are a little bit crazy, it's true. But if you are coming with good feelings and without stereotyped view of Russia in your head - you'll have a good time here.

See ya all.

12:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A comment from Moscow.

Pretty funny. Laughed at some things.

To my countrymen, who got offended. Sometimes it's quite useful to look at ourselves from the point of view of a tourist (by the way, pretty unbiased as I think).

12:19 AM  
Blogger Doctor said...

the last T-shirt picture roughly translates into:

"Ate beaver -- saved trees"

3:10 AM  
Anonymous Igor said...

It seems that most of my nations had lost their sense of humor.

Greets from Moscow and thank you for this wonderful post. OMOH - HOMO is best joke as for me :)

3:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The scripture on the last photo says: "Ate a beaver - saved a tree".

4:14 AM  
Anonymous Serge Ko said...

Thanks ) too hard to mention it fof russan man
Too pity i'll never dare to use this joke with OMOH-man near(
its really danger for balls...

5:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi from Moscow! The only place you can see all this shit is the underground pass near Intourist Hotel... or Arbat mb :) You had faced to Special Russia For Foreign Tourists (With Balalaikas and Matryoshkas), get understandable poisoning and described it... Try to avoid this next time :)

5:20 AM  
Anonymous Serge Ko said...

moscow - ppl have really lost their sense of humor...

5:54 AM  
Blogger cybersage said...

About that t-short with beaver: ther is no sexual kontext, it says "Eat a beaver - save a tree!" :)

7:15 AM  
Blogger Пётр said...

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, you the Best!
We translate your post to Russian, welcome

OMOH - HOMO - good joke :)

Come to Russia again!

About t-shirt (last photo) here wrote "Eat beaver - save tree!"

9:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL. Great blog.
P.S. Text on beaver t-shirt : eat the beaver - save the tree.

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ты уебан (Ueban). Ask your russian friends (if you have them) what does it mean =)

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I`m russian and I think, that that post is great. Wery funny.

Of course those words about kidnapping is some piece of shit. But it`s true, that it isn`t good idea for foreigner to use our highways.

And about that part-of-Europe thing. I, personnaly, believe, that Russia is not a part of Europe and it`s good. We can have our way.

Sorry, my english is very bad.

10:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

russia it's not a Europe, we are independent, we are big white angry bears, we would eat & fuck your souls so much as we can and more. i love u rob, i wanna get child at you or from you..zzz..i don't know how is correctly)..nice, come to russia & may be we would give you Jessica for fuck)).. Eat a beaver, rescue a tree)).. It is an inscription on last T-short).. Without sex)

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, your map have a mistake. I mean "#1"...
With love from Russia ;))))

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ознакомился - Автор - Долбоёпп с большой буквы "Д" и юмор свой пускай забъёт себе в жопу

12:01 PM  
Blogger Kozlov said...

The t-shirt means " By eating a beaver you're saving a tree", so no sex-stuff at all... A propos great writing..

12:24 PM  
Blogger Kozlov said...

the t-shirt means " Eat a beaver, save a tree..." so yeah :) great writing :)

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Gulnara said...

I work near this street (Arbat),where you took all that pictures, and I see the same things every day, though I never thought how funny it might seem for foreigners :) But I liked the "OMOH" thing most of all :)

G from Moscow

1:14 PM  
Anonymous idinahui said...

эй кто тут из россии пишет, ну заебли уже жопу то подлизывать реально, ведете себя как говно, ОМОН это те кто спасут ваши жопы когда вы не дай бог попадете в неприятности.

hey u, OMON its not a cops - its like MOSSAD

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Gulnara said...

"idinahui пишет...
эй кто тут из россии пишет, ну заебли уже жопу то подлизывать реально, ведете себя как говно, ОМОН это те кто спасут ваши жопы когда вы не дай бог попадете в неприятности."

And they will also smash your head like they did with my brother - just for nothing, just because he was sitting on their way when they burst into a club. Thank's god nothing serious but he had a huge bruise over his face for several weeks.
I'm not saying these guys are bad at what they're doing...but sometimes they are far more aggressive to innocent people. And yes, they will try to save you but I don't think they know for sure who is guilty in this or that situation - they'll just be violent with there's always a chance that someone BAD will be punished...
And I hope people don't take seriously all what's written in the article :)

G from Moscow

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amusing reading, really, everything is the way, you depict it.
Russia is my Motherland, but last 3 years I live in Europe. Whateever, Russia - one of the most interesting places I will ever like to come back again and again.
But all this shit-parade - yes, unbelivable, and commensurable with the cultural heritage. World capital of paradoxes.

Thank you for such a lovely view and interesting blog.

// Polinafromspb

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In past entries you have expressed concern for the environment. With all the traveling you and your...cohorts do for business, I wonder if you/your cohorts have done anything to offset all the CO2 emissions from all the plane rides.

I find a lot of people go off about the environment without actually doing anything about it (my dad included). So do you? I hope so. There are organizations you can donate to specifically for this.

5:16 PM  
Blogger Dika said...

This is very funny and fresh look at Russia ;)!

The beaver T-shirt says: ATE A BEAVER - RESCUED A TREE ;)!

So, this is kinda u almost did a good thing for the Earth ;)!

Thanx very much for this post!

still laughing!

1:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's such a wired look on Russia..LOL..I live there..=) I can only say that matryoshka dolls, beaver meet- it's all for tourists. I've never tried that meat. I've never bought a single matryoshka. Also I can say, that America looks really wired & strange for tourists. I just came back to Russia from Portland, OR6 where I lived for a year..You have SO MANY strange stuff in the USA too.

6:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

man, you're so stupid :). typical "american idiot" with typical american view on how things are in Russia. I bet you never tryed to visit Ermitage or go to Bolshoy Theater, and the only thing your small brain can handle is matroskas and vodka.

10:29 PM  
Anonymous narkevich said...

i want to add my 2 cents... actually russia is far more weird that you have described, and your report is very funny (all this kidnapping, funny hats, and so on), but this means only one thing - you have seen the same russia as 99% of foreigners see - this is russia for tourists...

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Polina said...

I'm Russian & I hate drunkers, drug addicted,prostitutes,violence. But this is problem of all countries not only Russia's.

I hate when America meddles in our business & all over the world's countries! I hate liars,wheedlers,dirty players - politicians!

But I love my culture,& I know that America has nothing, except disgusting Macdonald's & unusually keen sense of independence.
America is everywhere whith it's shameless aspiration to instruct & involve into gerrymanders.
But I still don't think this is number one.

1:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm Russian. I went to the NIN concert in Saint-Peterburg.

I can't even express how great your entry is! Its #1 in Russian blogs at the moment.
I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to die.
Make sure you return to our friendly country!And bring the band back! ;))))))

ps. I only can't understand how it occured to you to try a beaver! Its like eating a cat or a hamster!A rat must be literary similar! yak!....
You rock!!!!

Sofia, Saint-Petersburg

2:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All "anonymous" are Albanian, really. Me to.

3:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So I' ve read your story about Russia, interesting how u trying to be cool and funny.

5:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im also russian and came here because one of my friends told me about your blog.
u know, u made me laugh in metro and look quite silly sitting among dull grey people and giggling ))) thanxxx anyway!
The coolest thing was about trying beaver (but as I noticed almost everyone enjoyed it).
I love my country and my city but I see it has problems and Im not against laughing at them. Maybe if to laugh they will become not so huge?...

Im pretty sure that you were here to find some 'specific' stuff like drunken people, all rubbish, u know. If you had another aim - you would definitely find everything! it depends.
Julia (StPetersburg)
Good luck and always glad to c u here =)))

6:39 AM  
Anonymous Stan said...

I won't be surprised if some time later some people start collecting donations for the monument to the genius who revealed true psycology of OMOH creators. :)

One think to correct: Alexander's death mentioned by janthonyjackson precluded the adoption of constitution, not serfs' release.

Historical tale says, that Alexander II was going to give country the constitution, thus starting the history of constitutional monarchy in Russia in 1881. Serfs were freed 20 years prior to this date.

Churchill is probably right.

Thanks for the knowledge of our history.

11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shirt says : “eat beaver – save a tree ”

8:01 PM  
Anonymous Gulnara said...

"I bet you never tryed to visit Ermitage or go to Bolshoy Theater, and the only thing your small brain can handle is matroskas and vodka."

Oh please be realistic - can you imagine a band being on a tour with all that crazty schedule they have? How on Earth can they find time to visit Ermitage or Bolshoy theatre and enjoy them properly?
Of course these are places worth visiting but those guys are actually at their work, not just a tourist trip to Russia.

12:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In Soviet Russia, the beaver eats you!

1:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

комменты жгут)

1:33 AM  
Anonymous ikota said...

great story - just can't stop laughin'!!! now showing it to foreign friends spending time in Saint-Pete =) those who treat everything in serious manner - are stupid!
on the last picture with the beaver t-shirt it is written - "kill the beaver - save the tree"

3:02 AM  
Anonymous Ksenia said...

Dude, I'm Russian (live in US for last 5 years), and some shit you wrote is really, really funny. Photos cracked me up. Some of the stuff you've been told is bullcrap, of course, nevertheless... the picture with the dude with Yoda tattoo on his arm almost made me piss my pants! As for those offended at your post, they have probably never lived someplace besides Russia long enough to recognize some things as khm... bizarre, to say the least :))) And the things some Russians believe about USA! So let's just shake off the ones with below average IQs and without sense of humor, and the rest can "live together happilly ever after" nevermind the nationality :)))

12:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this article is as true as the map at the beginning of the post is. but it's fun anyway

3:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"As for those offended at your post, they have probably never lived someplace besides Russia long enough to recognize some things as khm... bizarre, to say the least :)))"

Totally agree! I am russian too (living in UK) and I pissed myself laughing, while reading this masterpiece. Honestly, things are not that bad, but it's pretty much the way it is. Funny stuff, but that's what I love Russia for.

9:19 AM  
Anonymous michael_bobo said...

Lol... dammit, it's freaking funny...
I live in Russia, but I hasn't noticed some of this shit before... thank you.

11:28 AM  
Anonymous Tano Caridi said...

LOL. And they call this country a superpowah.

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! I'm Russian and can surely say that less than half of this paragraph is true about Russians...It's dissappointing that you all don't want just to find out the really country instead of the shit made specially for tourists like you :D

9:56 AM  
Anonymous arina_holina said...

I`m from Russia, Moscow, I`ve never heard about kidnapping, but thanks - it`s very funny!!! LOL! Matreshkas are terrifik!

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cool photos.. but some mistakes in captions..
welcome again +)

1:39 AM  
Anonymous Michiel said...

Though Russia is indeed a part of the European continent, it's usually not seen as part of the European cultural entity (as far as there is one, of course). This is not only because Europeans see Russians as a bit different from themselves, but also because Russians like to exclude themselves from Europe. They (I'm Dutch, by the way) like to think of themselves as this great Eurasian Empire that stretches across the world. If they would ever be invited to the European Union (and, if their political system would be on par with the rest of Europe, why not?), they would politely decline.

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...


Ebaumsworld ripped off your Japanese sex store blog/images. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

12:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*These are some super cool Russian music dudes. Most importantly, check the terrifying guy at the top. He wants to eat your soul.*...

I don`t know who is it..but exactly it`s not RUSSIAN DUDES but GIPSYS!!!

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi! This was the best review 'bout my country I ever read!
Thank you for it.

PS Eat beavers again and again, save trees ;)

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Билан = лучший!

3:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Rob. I found your review not as negative, but very funny :)
I'm not from Russia, but I learned this language and find this countr ver interesting and unique in it's own way.
That last pic of a t-shirt means :
Ate beaver
*logo here*
Saved Tree

@wouter: check the map dude

11:52 AM  
Blogger Liliya said...

I'm from Belarus, we are much alike with Russia, you know.

The last picture says:"A beaver eaten - a tree rescued!" This joke is very popular with bloggers in RuNet.

Thanks for a lot of laugh! you're great!

5:00 AM  
Blogger Bzdashek Zapadlovsky said...

This post has been removed by the author.

1:36 AM  
Blogger Gina said...

Oh my gosh...I feel like I've hit the jackpot! You're blog was great. I do a lot of traveling too and I so identify with the eerie creeping blandness of American culture. It's disturbing to find Dunkin'Donuts in Bali and a Jenny Craig in Tasmania. But I guess, like you, that's what keeps me traveling and enjoying other countries...the weird shit...the odd...the what the fuck?....LOL>>>

Looking forward to reading some of your back blogs. When I saw your profile and saw 27,000 hits I said...who is this guy? can he be that good? ...okay I understand now.


10:04 AM  
Blogger lavan said...

Жжошь, чувак!

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello! My name is Anna and i live in Saunt-Petersburg. After reading yours report i want say to you, that just one side of our city - just drink, food, dance, solgers, party, matreshka dolls.
I couldnt see where is our beatuful nature in out of country?
Where is our palaces amd museams?
Where is all?
And how a result i recommend to you will visit other Russian cities such as Pskov for example, and maybe you fill more than you report!(

3:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

its me again
was mistake

3:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Anna from Saint-Petersburg. My name is Anna too but I'm from Moscow. I have to say that the only thing foreigner can see in our country in a few days (like Rob) is that weird shit he told us. And this is true. If he could spend some more time in Russia.. he could find... more and more weird shit )) Russians seem strange for Americans as Americans to Russians. We are too different.

2:38 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

Man,you rock!!
Your post reminded me of Michail Zadornoff. He has a familiar style of story-telling, but his stories are about America. You know, he is not allowed to go to America anymore =))

Don't pay attention to those angry comments. Some russians have a problen laughing at themselves..
As for those who are too agressive... we call them "gopniki". Narrow-minded idiots who wastes their lifetime aimlessly.

Да, гопники и быдло! Коменты в стиле "Билан - лучшый" выдали вас с головой!!!
А аффтар жжот, и неипет!
Учитесь смеяться над собой и уважать чужое мнение!!!

About kidnapping... I've traveled here, in Russia for several times. By bus, by car, even by bike. I'm alive, free and never been a prostitude, yay!!

11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I choked on a piece of pineapple I was laughing so hard.
Funny shit.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if anyone else translated that shirt, too many comments to look but online I got

Has eaten the Beaver has rescued a tree

10:11 PM  
Blogger bizarrejapan said...

Visit, enjoy, comment and promote:


6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! That was very funny!

You should come to the Asian part of Russia, you know. ^))))

Because it's even more weird...

9:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

on last photo (with t-shirt) it says:
"ate beaver - saved the tree"

// wbr, Bert

4:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and more weird than Russia is european neighbour Belarus, from where all the evil comes

12:43 AM  
Blogger misha said...

yeah... kidnapping... flying from moscow to saint-petersburg was real smart!

But - haven't you heard that gasmask in russia is obligatory - lots of evil germs, pretty homophobic ones...

2:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

有什么 有什么网址 有什么新闻 有什么博客 有什么论文 有什么爱秀 有什么图片 有什么音乐 有什么搜商 有什么帖客 天气预报 有什么

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You were in Moscow, but you were not in Russia

6:40 PM  
Blogger Влад said...

Thank you, I've had nice time while reading your post. Trash in Russia is everywhere. You got it right, you got superior sense of humor :)

I was born and live in Russia :)

3:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're so amusing and trustful :) Come again.


8:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for making me and my twins sis laugh so much x

i was always taught that russia is a part of europe but myabe thats just what they teach us in wales :)

That hat + that dance = MAGIC!!!

8:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't listen to the stupid russian guys. They still think that they live in the safe country (just because the tv says so). The police and mafia are really dangerous (and russians don't think so because they are not tourists or foreigners). So please visit us, but be very careful.

Fuck i hate this place man.

And you should know that american culture is spreading everywhere here and lots of teens already think like americans (been in US last summer). They listen to R&B (the stupid one), they like Paris and all that shit. And most russians are extremlly mediocre and belives what the TV say.

Peace and thanks for laughts!! ))))

4:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

crazy Russian
realy, Russia isnt easy 2 undrestand.
So if Ur so scared sit on ur but in the Eu or US and eat ur bigmak

12:56 AM  
Blogger Bla said...

Jesus Christ, dude... This post just owns. :D

12:27 AM  
Blogger Dean said...

The videos were awesome, and your map of America is terrifyingly accurate. ;)

7:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks a lot for that half an hour of laughing.

You may be surprised it's by now quoted here and there in several Russian glossy magazines, and almost fully copied into one of it - Esquire I think
Hope they at least notified you.

Some useful notes.

1.Not so much of kidnapping in Russia Really except for it's southern territories at war that actually is NOT Russia and I would be there as alienand unsafe as anyone else.
2 The piglet is Khrjusha - the all times anchorman of Russia's main childrens evening show with a cartoon - like Sesamestreet I guess.He's a 40+ y. old.
Normally he looks tonns less scary.
3.The wonderful t-shirt at the end says - ate a beaver - saved a tree
It's purest sex, man!

2:57 AM  
Blogger eleKtrofly said...

this might be the most entertaining blog post i have EVER read.

3:10 PM  
Anonymous Girl_From_Russia said...

It's very funny and realistic post. But about some funny things,like eatable beavers and strange women's sculpture, i heard for the first time=) There was very right statement about HOMO patrol,when i tried to tell him about their uniform name,they just stupid looked at me. they're too stupid to understand this.
About Russians pop-stars: Well, "Дима Билан" is really very popular in Russia among teenagegirls and old housewifes. I think that there are just few really good singers and bands in whole Russia.

Well,your report is really very interesting and truly. If you come to Russia again, I advise you to visit Russians bike-centers and few underground museums, especially in Moscow) You can find weird shit there too)
Thanks for this nice report.

6:55 AM  
Anonymous Gnev Rasputina said...

Покайся ГРЕШНЕГ !

2:40 AM  
Blogger nbl}l{ said...

Stupid compatriot.
There is Rock in Russia. No mistake about. NIN is great. Specially "Fragile". It is like Pink Floyd masterpiece - the "The Wall" And thx for coming to act an art in our "Scaryland".

8:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

дорогие русские патриоты которых так это все оскорбило: ваш так называемый патриотизм это причина почему наша страна в таком говне. идиотизм вашего "не выносить сор из избы" непревзойден.

translation: dear "russian patriots", ever so offended by this post: your so-called patriotism is the reason why our country is in such deep shit. The idiocy of your pretense to "keep cool" is well, flabbergasting.

12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

beaver tshirt says: eat a beaver, save a tree

7:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

beaver tshirt says: eat a beaver, save a tree

8:00 AM  
Blogger Mister said...

I am a russian that had lived most of his life abroad. The last year or so I'm back in Moscow.
Your report on russia is funny and offers a fresh look at russia that even I hadn't picked up :)
The only thing I disagree in your report is about kidnappings. I am not sure, maybe they only kidnap americans with signs in russian on them saying that they're american, but I've been going to our summerhouse outside of Moscow(200km tverskaya oblast) not some elite shit nuvorish crap, and hadn't been kidnapped yet.

Oh yeah, didn't read all the comments, maybe someone already answered this - the beaver t-shirt says if u ate a beaver(top) saved a tree(bottom).

Take care :)

11:01 PM  
Anonymous Tia said...

Now I know where to go for my graduation trip next year! lmao!
We're gonna party like that ugly ass drunk Russian dude! WOOHOO!

4:05 PM  
Blogger grim said...

Nice tryout ;]

3:54 PM  
Anonymous xoakcep said...


you touched two very hard problem.

Yes, Russians most always kidnapped Americans. This is national Russian game -- to do game from Americans. And when you ate the Beaver, it was not usual beaver from the wood, or so called sharonstoned beaver from Hollywood, no sir... It was some Mr. Beaver from California, maybe good father and good employee, who's always paid taxes and never changing lines... You ate your fellow kidnapped American! Now you should understand, why you can't eat this thing with your iron-stomach. Never! Never one American can eat another. Maybe next visit in Moscow you'll be more lucky and got some Mexican's game.

Second -- Manto man, or "mulleted Russian pop star" as you said, this is very big problem for Russians. This superhomo monster everywhere on the walls, posters, sure on TV. Years of shame... Years of pain... But last month is light news came to the our ears! Mr.God is heard our prayers. This dude immigrate in USA. He will living in California and working there mascot of Mullet Pride Rally or somethis else... And you, as all Americans, will pleasured with him each given day. And maybe night.

Thank you, dead American Rob, for your role of body-lifter. With you creativу power and permanent interest for living.


P.S. Sure, that you like my outstanding stunning Shackespeare's English.

2:51 PM  
Anonymous xoakcep said...


Thank you, dear American Rob, for your role of body-lifter. Wish you creative power and permanent interest for living.

My fingers just woke up halfhour ago.

3:01 PM  
OpenID bones-and-flash said...

What about a t-shirt with beaver? Тhe script is means If you have eaten a beaver you has saved a tree. Sorry? if my english is not excellent))

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


8:43 AM  
Anonymous Drunked russian with balalaika said...

Hello from Russia! I've just kidnapped by evil wild bear and posting here via my WiFi-equiped balalaika!
Oh, is that real, that every american is a fat stupid i'm-eating-a-lot-of-hamburgers redneck with a shotgun in his 500hp pickup from early 50s? I don't think so but i was told, so you know...

3:01 AM  

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