[Currently Listening To: The indescribably irritating sound of my idiot friends laughing obnoxiously loud at the television from downstairs]Dear Person Who Vomited In My Sink on New Year's Eve,
On the eve of the new year, I invited you into my residence to partake in festivities relating to our passage into 2007. It is my sincerest hope that you enjoyed yourself and that I for my own part was a gracious host. However, I am disquieted to confess that I have not prepared this correspondence in good temper. Quite on the contrary, my message is one of disappointment and admonishment. You see, in the morning following my new year's gathering, I was alarmed to discover a scene of no small horror laid out in my downstairs washroom. The sink, part of the counter, and indeed even part of the mirror were painted quite generously with an extremely foul green-colored sludge of a substance which I came to recognize as vomit. Certainly you can understand my reaction of considerable disgust, for I am no savage, and prefer not to encounter the stomach contents of myself nor anyone else, if indeed it is possible. As such, I found your actions in my washroom to be quite disagreeable.
Please, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, do not think me brutish for my words: I fully comprehend the rather fragile predicament you must certainly have found yourself ensnared in that fateful night, and hold great sympathy for it. The intake of spirits by all parties was understandably more gratuitous than might be considered appropriate on an evening of any lesser festivity. I will confess that on certain gay occasions even I have been known to act in poor judgement and indulge too heavily in the consumption of adult beverages, and I have on those occasions found myself feeling quite ill as a result. Undoubtedly this was the case for you on the eve of the new year, and for that you have my sympathies. However, I must take issue with your choice of location when emptying your stomach contents. Customarily, one who is overcome with the need to be ill does so in the toilet, as it is by its nature a repository for things unclean. Had you merely repositioned yourself thirty six inches due east when emptying your stomach, and flushed the results, I doubt with great sincerity that I would presently be inclined to exchange words with you.
I don't know who you are, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, for you did not own up to your wrongdoing. All I can be certain of is that you ate a salad for dinner on Sunday. From the looks of it, a spinach salad, possibly with tomatoes. Full-sized tomatoes, not the miniature ones they put in salads sometimes. It appears also that you made at least a passing attempt to clean your mess from the surface of the mirror, as it was streaked with foul-smelling, spinach-laiden bile in a pattern suggesting it had been partially wiped off. While I appreciate this, I would have preferred a great deal more effort be invested in the attempt, as the unenviable burden of undoing your grotesque wrongs subsequently fell squarely upon myself. I should also note that the unpleasant results of your salad, marinating overnight as they did, saturated the washroom with an impressively pungent aroma. I have never sliced open a goat's belly and let its filthy innards spill out, then left them sitting in the summer's heat for several days time, rotting and collecting maggots under the unforgiving sun - nor have I any desire to engage in such a practice. However, if I had, I am certain the fragrance produced from said rotting innards, although awe-inspiring, would fail to equal the uniquely unbearable odor which hailed from inside your body and took unwelcome residence in my washroom.
In closing, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, I hope that this letter finds you, and causes you to rethink your choice of vomit receptacle if ever again you find yourself needing to be ill in my or any other washroom. The sink is a poor location for stomach contents, and any persons who think otherwise are quite unwelcome in my home. I very much doubt I will ever know your true identity, Person Who Vomited In My Sink On New Year's Eve, but should I discover it, I would be strongly inclined to shake my finger at you and say "for shame!"
With regards,
Robert
Labels: anecdotes, bodily functions, holidays
]
